It's Just a Simple Plan

Caution! Upcoming rant on: Simple Plan

I turn on the radio and switch through the stations until I hear something decent. Past the 99 problems that Jay-Z is having these days, past the incomprehendable lyrics of Sean Paul, past the lame square-dancing party Mark McGrath and Shania are having, and finally I hear some rock. Wait.. this isn't rock. This is Simple Plan.

Simple Plan, a Canadian-based band, is classified as "punk", a genre which hurts more than Backstreet Boys and New Kids on the Block combined. If you're a punk advocate, let's sort through the possible reasons for you adoring this Montreal-chic band.

Vocals: You enjoy the vocal stylings of lead singer Pierre Bouvier.

Let's face it. Without this one guy and his unique voice, Simple Plan would not be recognizable in the mass of punk bands today. That being said, would anyone actually choose to listen to this guy? He sounds like a cross between a mating moose and a dying skunk. My step-dad came home one day and started reeming at me about how he hates this modern music and they play it over and over at work. After only a few questions, I determined it was the wonder called Simple Plan and assured him "we don't like it either."

The Look: You think these guys are hot.

Gee, the bald one's kinda cute! No wait, I want the one with woman hair! I can't decide! Maybe I should go for the 100-lb. lead singer. Scronnyness turns me on!

On MuchMusic a couple months ago, they had a "Who's Hot, Who's Not" listing, and scronny pastey Pierre made the Hot list. I know. I'm confused too. Let's just leave it at one word: Ew.

The Instrumentals: Those guys play a mean gee-tar.

The back-up sounds the same as every other punk band out there. Next.

The Lyrics: The words they choose are better than scripture.

The lyrics are actually where I have the most problem. Let's analyze they're latest song, shall we?

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

So, they are trying to relate to teenagers through teen depression. Let's say for now that I am a depressed and angry teenager listening to Simple Plan. Instead of providing one line like "it will get better" or something to give me a little glimpse of hope, it just continues like this. Oh well, I guess I'll just slit my wrists.

The problem is simply that all of their songs are depressing songs where they are going through so much turmoil with no hope of an end in sight. How is this helping today's youth? Unfortunately, since it is the record companies who now make the majority of decisions on who's popular and who's not *cough* Hilary Duff *cough*, today's youth does not know that Simple Plan is the one lowering their moral and making them hate the other students at school. Good job Warner Bros. Records. You have taken advantage of the ignorance and innocence of teenage minds and created a depressed and very annoying generation. I hope one of them slashes your tires.

The guys have been making "music" since they were thirteen, says MTV.com, in a band called Reset. Please hit the Reset button on this band. Hit it more than once just to be sure. The MTV.com biography of the group says, "It [is] textured like Cheap Trick, but raw like Pennywise." Um, does anyone know who those other bands are? I don't, therefore they suck as much as Simple Plan. No one will remember this Plan in 5-10 years. Maybe now that we've had enough of Simple Plan, we can realize that maybe Backstreet Boys weren't such a bad idea after all.

--Jam