Twenty

When I was twenty, what I was like?

It was only four years ago, but it feels like a lifetime. I was a decent dresser but my jeans weren't nearly tight enough. I definitely didn't flaunt it like I owned it, even though I did. I dated lots of different guys, some much better than others. I went through a severe blow when I dropped out of school and had to reorganize my life completely. I started my first adult job, which I quickly abandoned. Overall, I was a confused person. Though I loved life, I was really in a time of self-discovery and of learning what the world was really like.

Four years later, and now I've fallen for a guy who is, fairly newly, 20. We have become so close, it's sick really. If I envision myself with anyone, it would most likely be him. The traits he holds fit into this nice little box that I can picture, and aside from that, he's amazing. Like, yeah, amazing. So, I talked to him about my feelings, came all clean, and he said he's not ready for a serious relationship. He knows that him and I would work on a serious level, but of course, he doesn't want that yet, both because he wants to experience dating other people and doesn't want to lose what we have.

I totally get it. I completely understand. However, I am so frustrated.

What do you do when you meet a person (I never say "the" person because I don't know if I believe that to be true) who you could be with, for such a long time, and be perfectly happy, and you can't have them?

Now, we'll stay friends, go about everything the way it was, but I'll probably never completely stop feeling that for him.

I feel like Urkel.

--Jamurkel