The Dream of a Past Life

Evenin',

Have you ever thought back to your childhood or your adolescence and wanted to be there? Wanted to play hide-and-seek, wanted to have lots of toys at Christmas, wanted to have grandma to give you an extra cookie, or wanted your kitty to run to the door (not to see you, but to try to get out, then realize that you're home)?

I'm in such an odd mood, but I'm confused. Is this what life has been leading up to? This moment in time? Is this what you imagined your life to be like at this age? I'm twenty years old and I will be stuck in this state of life for at least 2.5 more years. I feel empty and lost, and feel that I have nothing to strive for that is of any importance.

Isn't that funny? When I was younger, I felt that everything was important. Now, I feel that almost nothing is important. However, now is the time when everything should be important, as it is leading to my future.

I wish Kitty would run to greet me at the door, but she's not around anymore. Neither is Grandma to give me an extra cookie, or do any of the amazing little things she used to do for me. I miss hide-and-seek with Brian, James, and Shawn, or with Lindsay, Tara, and Ashley. Thankfully I still talk to 2/3 of those people. I wouldn't want to abandon the people that were once most important in my life. As for toys at Christmas, that deals with family, and in my childhood, I never could have imagined things with my family would end up like this. I feel like punching my dad across the face, or moving out all my belongings from my mom's house to my home here in St. Catharines.

I'm angry I don't get to have a normal life: a wife, children, a good job, and a loving family. I can accomplish some of these, but others are simply impossible to achieve, as existence has thrown me insane curve balls. Who decided that I get to deal with adversity while others glide through life blissfully?

I know I'm ranting and it'll all get better, but I thought I'd get my thoughts out there. Chances are if I'm feeling this way, others are too. If I'm the only one, then hey, I'm an individual like Natalie Portman. (if you don't get that reference, watch Garden State like I told you)

The pictures shown are by Lawren Harris of the Group of Seven. They were on the covers of two of my piano books, and always brought me comfort for one reason or another.

--Dreaming Jam