Movie Review: Kingdom of Heaven
I believe the last word of the title is a typo. It should be "Kingdom of Hell", because that's where I felt like I was.
Synopsis
Balian, a blacksmith, is visited by his father who is a powerful baron in something or other. His father takes him in, then dies, leaving his legacy and land to his son. Then he somehow ends up leading armies and fighting the Muslims.. I don't really know.
The Problem
Everything. Everything was a problem.
1. Orlando Bloom is being type-casted. His soulful looks, his wavy har, and his bad acting need to stop. Maybe he would be good in a dramatic comedy, or in a modern action flick.. or maybe not. He was horrible in this, just as he was horrible in Troy, and in most of his films.
2. The plot was irradic. I had no idea what was going on half the time. Unfortunately for me, I did not read a couple text books on the Crusades before I watched this film. What was I thinking? Of course I should have to do research before watching a film! Who was I to think they would give me background information or fill in the holes for me? Not only did the producers of this film forgot to inform properly, they also seemed to leave out bits and pieces of the story. Thanks Ridley.
3. The script was simple and appealed to the slightly retarded. The phrases were predictable, the word choice was sixth grade, and the poetic nature that a film like this should have just didn't exist. It reminded me of the script of masterpieces such as "The Chronicles of Riddick" or "Gone in 60 Seconds".
4-100. Think of any problem a movie could have; this film has each and every one. Some honourable mentions are the lack of realism, the extreme length (even though it was only 2.5 hours, it seems like 2.5 days), and the overall lack of anything interesting.
That's safe Orlando. I would run around a battle with thousands of enemies with my helmet off too. I mean, why wreck your hair when all you have to wreck is your skull?
On the + Side
I liked the arabian music. The last fight scene, although unbearably long, was well thoughtout and had cool graphics.
Overall
A bomb, covered in cow maneure, sprayed by a skunk, and then flushed down the toilet. If you like epics, this one is at the bottom of the barrel, and covered with slimey barrel water. Ew.
The Official Kingdom of Heaven Website
2/10 - The worst movie I have seen this year.
2 Comments:
ok first of all the critcism about orlando bloom needs to stop in my perspective& and alot of other people kingdom of heaven and troy was a good movie. I think maybe you are just jealous that your a failure and hes not and maybe somewhat your jealous of him and if it is not that then you are just a foolish incredelous person and its all gonna come back to you and i hope it does its called bad karma just keep talking your stuff and god will surely punish you so bye!!!!!!you rude mean retarded people
LOL Wow a new person.. a rather angry, misdirected angry person, but let's address what you've said.
First of all, I'm allowed not to like an actor whom I believe cannot act in the majority of films he's in. If you read my blog further, you would realize that despite Bloom's horrible acting, Troy was one of my favourite movies of the past year. In Kingdom of Heaven, I did believe him to be boring and lacking any sort of personality. If God doesn't like it, he can smite me, because apparantly I deserve to be smoten.
Secondly, I am very jealous of his fame and success and if you were smart and could use grammar properly, you would be too. I think people are given certain talents and he has utilized his, which are good looks and some sort of acting style that appeals to the masses, so good on him for doing so.
Frankly, this is my blog and I can say what I want, especially about unimportant things like movies.
Finally, I don't believe in karma, I am not rude or retarded, and "alot" is two words. But thanks for coming out.
--Jam
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