Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

Mornin', ya'll.

So this summer has been the worst summer of my life. I mean I love (to an extent) living in Thorold, I love that I'm away from my parents, and I love having a caring boyfriend, but things have been doing shittily for a while now and I'm so pissed off at the most recent crap that I had to complain about it. Garr..

Testing 1
Dan dumped me. He's such a psychopath because he led me to believe that everything was fine.. no, better than fine, things were great. He went away on a three week vacation so I hardly talked to him, but he did send me two postcards, which both said "miss you", and talked to me online saying he missed me. Then he comes home and asks me to come visit me, so he does on Monday. He comes over and is very tired and grouchy, but I look past it because hey, he just got back from a trip and I really like the guy. Then I don't hear from him for an entire week, and he sends me an EMAIL on Sunday saying he doesn't really want a relationship and he's not sure if he likes long distance relationships, bla bla bla.

So I get this email while I'm at Leanne's house and I'm heated, like I wanted to scream at him. Who on Earth leads another person on like that and then breaks up with them, without an explanation no less, through an email? Didn't he see that episode of Sex and the City where main girl gets broken up with on a post-it? This is the same awful freaking thing! He had even invited me camping this past weekend, but because his friends made it a non-couples weekend, I was "uninvited" (I didn't wanna go that badly anyways).

So I wanna know what the hell happened. I don't care that he wants to break up with me so much as I care what the real reason is or what made him "discover" that he didn't want to be in a relationship. *screams*

Testing 2
The school appeal has still flopped and I have a feeling is going to flop altogether. I have to find my loan agreement to appeal it. I went home to Brantford to get it and my mom "doesn't remember seeing it". Thanks mom. I'm positive I gave it to her for safe-keeping, but ya know, what do I know? So I'm going to search my closet when I get home today and I had better find it. Otherwise I'll have to go to my grandfather and tell him everything that's been going on and that I need his copy of the loan agreement. I think I'd rather be crushed by an elephant.

Once the appeal fails, I'm going to move in with Leanne I'd imagine. I'd redecorate her basement into a little apartment; I think it would be really nice. It would take some time to get used to living in Hamilton, but I don't really have another option. I'd love to stay in Summers Castle, but I doubt I could find a full-time job from Thorold. I feel nautious thinking about leaving some of the people in that house, but I guess what has to be done has to be done.

Testing 3
I still cannot find a job. I'm so lucky to have a distant father who is forced to pay child support. *sigh* It's like a fairy tale! Anyways, that worries me because if I can't find a job just for the summer, how the hell am I going to find a full-time job in Hamilton? It just seems so impossible. But, again, it has to be done.

'~*~'

I was talking to... someone... last night (my memory left me.. I'll be in Memento 2), and we were saying how this all will make me stronger (it was Stephanie lol my memory came back!). I think that's obviously true, but I'm plenty strong as it is. Why is God or Buddha or whoever messing with me? This has all been so trying and literally exhausting and a normal person would have given up on life by now. Someone asked me a while ago when the appeal thing started if I was suicidal LOL! I kinda said "No... are you?" lol.. because I've never ever thought about giving up. I'm far too scared of death and scared of never seeing the things I love ever again: the sunlight hitting moving leaves, roller coasters, a cat's meow (I understand you can't see a can't meow, but you get the point).

So to the employers who didn't hire me, to the school who wants me gone, and to the man who broke my heart (by EMAIL for f*ck's sake), I'll prove to you all that I can do this. I'm still destined for greatness, it's now just a little delayed.

--Jam the Great