Twenty-Three Years and I'm Going Off the Deep End

I look at other people, when they smile, and wonder what makes them so happy. Are they smiling in the same way I'm smiling, with a current joy and an overwhelming discomfort at other points of their day? Or are they truly content, laughing with the others who have figured it out?

I haven't figured it out. It is too complicated and I don't feel like I'll ever get to a point where it will unveil itself to me and I will finally feel as though I've mastered it. I'm a two-time college dropout; once for academic reasons, the other for financial reasons. I thought I had finally figured that part out until I ran out of money and wound up in a small apartment in Toronto, working in the furthest field from my own as I can fathom. I'm now as stuck as ever, working with people with no ambition, under people with little compassion, for a company with no creative drive. I am becoming the person I hate, with dying aspirations and an agonal hope for something better out of life.

Alas, I know what I want, but have no means to get it. With parents who refuse to help and have ostracized me for reasons undisclosed to me, I have, in the past, found financial refuge in my grandfather. Again, I have called out to him and am waiting for an answer. I feel like a failure, not able to simply continue up the ladder of any field that pays out a dollar. I need fulfillment. I need something to latch onto so I can feel as though I'm accomplishing something in life. I feel as though there's something inside me, something that should shine, but is being blinded by the darkness all around me.

I am thankful to have some terrific people in my life. Sarah, Athena, Natalie, Lindsay, Lilly, Michelle. Nameless, they would still know who they are. Yet, I fall to the sad conclusion that the latter two are going to school where I wish I was, the prior live outside the boundaries of my city of financial drive, so I am left with no one here, save the few acquaintances I have grown to accept and/or tolerate here.

So, do I find another job for the time being? What if I get into a job I also despise and am left with a situation worse than the one I'm in. (I can't possibly imagine that, but I suppose someone could pop the air mattress-of-a-life I've been sleeping on.)

I... just don't know what to do.

Yay emo blog.

--Jam