So Much To Easter, So Little Bunny

Happy Monday back, people!

So my life has offically turned into a reality show. I was talking with my friends Brian and Mike about my crazy-ass Easter dinner with my fam, and they said it sounds like the pilot episode of a sitcom. I'm going to go a step further and say I'm on a reality show now. Let's check out the first two episodes, shall we?

Episode One: Early Mornings and the Easter KFC

Friday morning, 8am, the phone rings. Since I've only been in bed for like three hours, I drag myself out of bed to grab the phone, and my mom says on the other end that she's leaving now to come get me to come home for the weekend. Wait a minute, she was supposed to be coming around noon. Nope, she's leaving at 8am and then she hangs up. Wonderful. So I jump into the shower and sit there with the water hitting me for I'd say 20 minutes, attempting to wake up. I think I may have fallen asleep at some point.. oh well. I injure myself on the way out of the shower and bang my ahead against the towel rack (I'm a champ) and I trip on the router cord on the way into my room (I'm still a champ). I then scramble to get everything packed and I'm ready five minutes before scheduled arrival time. However, almost an entire hour goes by from that time and no mommy. She finally arrives, doesn't apologize, and when I bring it up, she says to me, "Well I see you're glad to see me." Oh boy, this'll be a good weekend! Let's buy bells and attach them to our shoes!

I get to the house and my dozey step-dad Jeff tells my crazy mother that she bought the wrong turkey, that it's not stuffed and won't be ready in time for the Easter dinner. "I bought the right one," she says, and proceeds to stomp to the turkey to find out why Jeff thinks she bought the wrong one. After seeing it is a big super frozen bird, rather than a butterball, she proceeds to reem at Jeff and even me for buying the wrong turkey. "Why would you let me buy this turkey?" How the hell was I supposed to know that you were buying the wrong turkey from 100km away? Then she starts to panic. Nana and Uncle are coming over in three hours to eat, what is she going to do? KFC! Of course! So we had a big festive dinner of squash, veggies, cranberry sauce, and a big bucket of greasy chicken product. Since I don't eat KFC, and was practically asleep as it was, while they gorged themselves, I fell asleep on the couch. Happy Easter!

Episode Two: The Lawrences and the Lick

In mid afternoon on Saturday, I decide that since I can't get a hold of Lindsay, one of my bestest friends, I'll walk down the street to her house and see if anyone's around. Enter Sharon Lawrence to the show. A woman of about 50, she is the epitomy of soccer mom. Involved in the community, very energetic, very faux-philosophical, very Sharon. So she's unloading some stuff from the van and says that Lindsay is on her way in another vehicle, so I'll help her unload some stuff in the meantime. After about ten minutes of inane chatter with this lovely woman, I decide to go home and wait for her to call me. She finally calls and I'm invited for dinner. Enter Don Lawrence. Don and Sharon love to hear about school and everything else, and continue to ask if I'm getting married in the near future (I think they, like my mom, hope that Lindsay and I will get married. Sorry guys, Lindsay's missing equipment and testosterone). So as I eat my pasta, I need to talk about class and friends, etc. Riveting conversation, I'm sure, but we wash the dishes (yes, I was other peoples' dishes.. fun times) and leave for ice cream.

After a huge mound of peanut butter ice cream, Lindsay drops me off at Heather's to pre-drink before the Pour House. A bunch of her friends come over, including her boyfriend Duncan, my roommate Natalie, and her hot friend Curtis. After chugging three Smirnoff Ice, we head out to the best damn club this side of Paris, Ontario! I end up having about 7 drinks in total (so this story may be altered to my perception of the night), and had a wicked dance off with Heather's friend Danielle, who I know love. I won, of course. The highlight of the evening was the lick. The lick occured when I was looking at Curtis and said to Danielle, "He's really hot!" She says, "you should tell him". I'm not going to tell a straight guy that he's hot. So I licked him instead! I told everyone around him first, and then I just licked his cheek and ran away! Why, I'm not sure. Would I do it again, hell yeah! Following that, I got sick in the bathroom, on the way home, and at home. Good times!

So that's my show. Hope you liked it! I'll keep posting episodes as they happen, but don't expect one soon. My life is dull.

--Reality Jam