All

So it's close to 11pm and really, I could go to bed. I went to an incredible party last night with m incredible roommates, but I feel so far from incredible today. No, I'm not hungover. I just feel.. strange.

I chatted to some people from back home today, some that I probably shouldn't be talking to in the first place. It was great hearing from people, seeing that the world does go on without me there to pull it with me, but it's also really sad. The world continuing without my presence is a completely obvious, but horribly disturbing truth. If I were to disappear, to die even, the world would keep turning, spinning on an irreversable axis. Of course, I don't want the world to stop for me, but maybe I want it to slow down and recognize my existence.

I'm used to what I know. I love experiencing new things, new people, but this time is seems different. My roommates, for example, are great people, but the two of them know each other, have known each other for many years. They have a past, they have their very distinct accents, they have inside jokes, they have each other. As much as I enjoy them, I will never be to them what they are to one another, and it's sad. I'm not saying that after knowing them for five days that I should be extremely important in their lives, but I'm saying that it's hard being the new guy, who walks into a life-in-progress.

I doubt very much that the people I've befriended thus far will end up being my close friends. I just remember the last time I went into the newness, went I went to Brock, I met Heather and Athena and Craig and they were people who I connected with, who I respected and admired. I meet the people here and I don't feel the same way. I suppose after a week of Brock, I hadn't really met anyone to be quite honest, but it just seems so foreign.

I miss Heidi, Athena, Nat, and Heather, and the real bonds that I made while living at Summers Drive. I miss highschool and knowing that my friends there had my best interests at heart and would have been there for me no matter what. I miss that I don't have that with them anymore. I miss Mike and Leon, who both have moved on since I lived there.. who both moved on while I lived there.

I miss knowing that something great was left.

It probably all doesn't make sense. My mind just feels jumbled and broken. I'm feeling sorry for myself and it will pass. It's just.. don't you think this kind of stuff too?

Is this all there is?

--Jam