J'accuse, Monsieur Quilting Bee!

Picture it: it's a dark and stormy night on The Millionaire's yacht. The date is 1920-something, and the sounds of the ocean are ambiating the voyage from Peru to the Galapagos. The Millionarie invites all of his closest family and friends aboard and announces to them all that he is engaged to his secretary, thirty years his junior. Needless to say, he gets murdered. Although there are many attractive people on board, The Lawyer, The Millionaire's closest friend, looks particularly handsome and innocent on this night, and determines that Wild Bill is the murderer. The Lawyer is thanked for being so very correct and is given eight beautiful men and a bucket of gold for his troubles.

So, that's what the scene of Heidi's murder mystery should have looked like. What it really looked like was a hilarious evening in Heidi's basement, where we listened to swing music to feel like we were in the 20's, and we ate a feast pumpernickel, spinach dip, and nachos. I was the lawyer, and definitely looked handsome, but was not given any beautiful men or buckets because The Maid did it, not Wild Bill, despite ten buckets full of incriminating evidence. I guess all is well in love and war and fake murder, I say.

Speaking of pumpernickel and spinach dip, what is in that stuff? It's like heaven on breadly heaven! I think it may be the best platter ever made, and I don't say that often. All the time people come up to me and say "Jam, what is the best platter ever made?" and I just shrug and say, "I'm sorry, low peasant in need of my expertise, but it is not my place to determine that, for it is vital to the world and the cosmos that it is kept unknown." Despite this, I think I may screw over the cosmos and say that it is definitely at least in the top five platters ever in history. If you'd like to know more about the best platters ever in history, see quilting bees and tupperware parties for examples.

Quil-ting Bee (n.)
A big group of women on the prairie who all sew a patch in one large quilt where no one patch is any more important than any other patch. Best platters include buffalo and turnip, and corn and corn.

Tup-per-ware Par-ty (n.)
A big group of women in suburbia who all yammer on about anything but tupperware. Best platters include anything containerable.

To finish off this lovely post of murder most foul, I leave you with reasons to not go on date.ca, brought to you by the lovely Leanne.

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I NEED A WOMAN!!!!!!!SHE MUST BE VERY HONEST,CARING,LOVING ,EMOTIONALY EQUILIBRATED AT REALITY,I MEAN :NOT A MANIPULATER WOMAN! BUT IF YOU WANT A CLAWM IF YOU LIKE MAKE A FACE LIKE A MONKEY,WHEN YOU HAPPY,IF YOU WANT ONLY HAVE FUN,IF YOU ARE SLAVE OF STYLE AND COMODITIES,IF YOU ARE AN UNMORAL WOMAN,IF YOU LIKE PROMISCUITY LIFE, IF YOU LOVE BARS,DISCOTEQUES,IF YOU LAZY,IF YOU PROUD OF WHAT YOU ARE,
PLEASE DONT LOOSE YOUR TIME,YOU'RE ELIMINATED,DOESN'T MATTER HOW ATRACTIVE CAN YOU ARE !!!!!!!

I am looking for:
she must be very espiritual,she could be gnostic,rosse cross,or any other snowlege who believes in sexual alchemy or sexual transmutation,this is so important to me!,it doesn't matter what kind of race is she !!!!!!!

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Enough said. Bye!

--Jammerware, Slave to Comodities