Out of Focus
So I skipped class today. Three classes. I hardly slept at all last night, despite not getting much sleep the night before and going to bed last night at 9pm. By midnight I was awake, and for five hours did nothing but wish I was asleep and practically cry. When my alarm went off this morning, I just kinda said nope (it probably came out as a more groggy-sounding "nraagh"), and went back to sleep.
I'm very torn about how I feel about the place I'm living. I'm not talking about Newfoundland because frankly, anywhere can be fun, and I've just yet to make it completely so. I'm talking about the actual house. My roommates, as nice as they are for the most part, are very... something. I can't even put my finger on it. Sometimes they can be absolutely fabulous and I feel like I fit in completely. Other times, which compiles the majority of the times, I feel ostracized, like I'm back in first year and am the odd-man out. I am the odd-man out here, though, but I thought maybe I could try to fit in. They're just so much more.. something... than me. Like they clean Sunday mornings, a.k.a. Jam's hangover time, and expect me to clean the area of their choosing (the bathroom, of course) soon after, which I didn't do. Today, I had a shower, and beforehand I went to the bathroom, but I don't flush until I get out because that ruins the water pressure (Does anyone else do this? If not, I'm going to stop doing it, lol.). I forgot to flush when I got out (even though it was only #1 anyways), and when Ashley got home I heard her go into the bathroom and swear loudly to herself. I don't know if it was because of that or because there was water on the floor maybe? I dunno.
Aaanyways, the moral of my weird and quite personal bathroom story is that I feel like I can't stay focused for long enough to flush a toilet. I hate living in an environment where I don't feel at home because it's like an extra stress hanging on my shoulders that I first need to deal with before I can deal with anything and everything else. All I can keep thinking of is Summers and how amazing it was there and how I screwed it up by not focusing on school, but here I am again starting the same patterns. I really try to just sit down and do work, but my mind wanders, I think of other things, the stress or anything else, and I can't do it. I can't just sit down and concentrate. I'm going to try extremely hard this weekend to get a lot accomplished, but I'm really worried it's not going to work.
I don't want to let my family down, I don't want to let myself down, but what if this is something that's out of my hands? What if I don't have what it takes to just suck it up and get it done? What if I'm meant to just live a life of quiet droning? This kind of life bores me to tears and scares me to death, but I can't fix it.
If I'm so afraid of failure, why can't I get it together to fix it?
Anyways, I just hope it passes. Maybe I should see a doctor? Maybe it's chemical? I've always said that messing with brain chemicals isn't right, but if I'm going to fail in the first place, then what do I have to lose?
Kay, I'm gonna go read. That's it. The End.
..good lord my hands are small. How do I even type?
--Distraught Jam
4 Comments:
Hey Hunny,
I kinda know where you're coming from when it comes to roommie problems. I don't feel like my home is a home either. I had the same problem at the last place I lived. It's usually because I'm stressed about doing something right away as soon as they want it done. Where as if it were just me, I would do it when I feel the need or get the chance to get around to it.
It's like I'm always on edge
I'll be back soon. We'll hang.
Matt
I could tell you some real horror stories about college roommates. I spent 3 1/2 years in my university's dorms, each year with a different roommate (random assigned person). My solution to get out of that hell-hole? I worked my butt off in college and grauated a semester early so I could get the hell out of there. Stick with it and just throw yourself into school work. It will pay off. Hard work ALWAYS pays off.
Hey James!
I understand the pressures of university living arrangements. If you're not comfortable with your house, it's hard to focus on school work. Perhaps try relocating to study? Maybe try going to the library, or a place you can consider your thinking spot?? It clears your head allowing you to focus on the task at hand. That's what I did when second year got rough for me!
As for your comments on becoming a banker for life...you're meant to be something more...I know you are! You're always coming up with new and better ideas and goals for yourself. And I know how hard it is to go back to school once you've been off for a year...just stick with it! It'll come! Good Luck!!!
Sarah
I honestly think that all you need is some encouragement. I don't mean "way to go! You're doing great" encouragement, though that kind is always good too. I mean that you need to see the results of your hard work, and that will inspire you to work harder still. It's one of those cyclical things, where you can't get results without the work, but the work is harder to do without the results...I think I'm making sense.
Also, I think you should try not to worry about your family and letting them down, because that will just stress you out more. Worry about you... I know you've got what it takes to pull off this school thing and anything else you put your mind to, so it's the putting your mind to that you need to work on. Hang in there and get something important to you accomplished, and you'll be driven to keep going and thereby get more done, thereby be more driven.
Well, that's my lovely bit of advice.
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