The Teenager

Teenagers are average-to-large creatures that normally reside in suburban environments. Their monkey-like stature and their dangerous, retarded actions are key identifiers.

The average female teenager wears clothing that is far too tight or far too slutty for her body. She travels in packs of other teenage girls, sometimes with horny teenage males straggling behind the pack. They unleash horrific screeching noises at times in order to scare away predators and to make their presence known to other packs of savage teenage females. They jump about and run around malls, their prime predatory grounds, preying upon retail staff and adult-mall-goers.

The male teenager is quite different from the female in many ways. Their clothing drapes off their bodies in order to make sure predators have no idea of the position of their actual body. They wear large ballcaps to protect their scalp from mall-lighting and from the teenage female messing up their crest of fur atop their head. They normally travel in small packs and enjoy congregating near Tim Horton's or mall theatres, standing about talking about whatever it is they talk about. Male teenagers are less hygenic than the female, showering once every eight years.

The male mating dance consists of mating calls, such as "sup" and head movements in their giant ballcaps. The female then plays "hard-to-get" in order to drive the male counterparts into a rage or possibly homosexuality. The female's built-in theatrical cold-heartedness (or BITCH for short) is used at all times around the single male. Once the male has won the female, she then expects him to buy her things and do anything she says. This leads the male to become frustrated and perform the mating dance for another female while still attached to the first. It is unknown why either gender of the species attaches itself to the other, but leading sociologists and zoologists believe it is due to desperation, and sometimes to make babies they are in no way prepared to take care of.

On most occasions, really awful pitches (RAP) or pretentious ugly-and-noisey krap (PUNK) will accompany packs of teenagers, enforcing whiney, obnoxious attitudes towards beneficial elements of life, such as love, money, family, and air. Different waves of culture-change pass through entire populations of teenagers, such as the detrimental "everyone misunderstands ourselves" or EMO for short. EMO teenagers will have their hair covering their eyes so no one can see that they are faking sadness and frustration. Black clothing and under-eating are also associated with EMO. Any teenagers thought to have EMO characteristics should be brought to a Toys-R-Us immediately so they can realize life does not suck as much as they think.

Teenagers should be considered annoying and should be pushed down mall escalators whenever possible in order to knock some sort of sense into their little brains. Coffee or other stainable beverages should be used to spill on their clothing so they can never wear it again. Take caution if you must talk to a teenager, for they hardly listen and can be of no help in any situation except harassment of innocent bystanders and the leeching of money from the teenagers' parents.

Teenagers eventually evolve into adults, where all of these attributes should disappear. If they do not, disassociate yourself from them immediately, unless you wish to remain ostracized for all eternity.

--Jam