Disgruntled and Aching for Change

So hi.

It seems that my hangover transformed into the flu. I feel like I'm bruised from head to toe, including my mouth and places I need not mention. I probably got it last night in the midst of my good time.

But it seems more than my body aches. In the time I had to "relax" today, instead of clean or do actual work, I've just been thinking. Thinking about where I'm going, the people around me, the people in my life, my heart. And my heart aches for more; for resolve; for change.

I'm annoyed for many reasons. I find I'm going to fall into the same patterns as I always do with school. No work, lots of play, makes Jam a terrified little boy. I've been "chasing" the same boy for months, and he doesn't even know I'm interested. I now have a disowned family, and a messy room. I have a new pen pal from Seattle, and an old friend leaving for Korea (no pun intended on the word "old" C).

It's Paul's birthday tomorrow. He'll be 48. I refuse to call him, as I know he, or my step-mother will pick up, and neither are worth the breath or energy. Next year at this time, I'll have little or no ties to that man. The thought boggles me, makes me envious of others, makes me insulted, angry, confused, tormented, happy, relieved, and independent.

Even though there is so much going on, I need to get better soon, or the aches will turn into permanent scars, and I'll never be able to live again.

--Jam