All The Best Cowboys Have Daddy Issues

A bunch of people have commented or noted on my father, so I thought today I would talk about him and the background of my relationship with him.

When I was four, my parents separated. I grew up living with my mom, however because my mom worked the night shift, I would spend alternating weeks staying at my dad's mom's (Grandma) house and having my mom's mom (Nana) stay with us. Therefore, for the majority of my childhood, my grandmothers had far more to do with my upbringing than either of my parents.

During this time, from age four to approximately age thirteen, I didn't see much of my dad. Although he lived in the same city and was not an "estranged" father by any means, it seemed he did not make an overwhelming effort to see me or have much to do with me. There were no specific times or dates set up when I had to see him, so I guess he took that opportunity to be single and free, including me whenever he felt appropriate.

As a young child, I adored and respected my father, as most boys do. Over time, through different incidents and through his actions, it occurred to me, without influence from my mother or any other individual, that my father was not a nice person. He would be nice one day and a complete angry bastard the next. He was self-righteous and although he was a devoted Christian, his actions and words made him into a Christian hypocrite, unfortunately donating to my feeling on the subject today.

At ten, my mom met my step-dad, around the same time my father met my step-mother. Although I am not close to either of these people, my step-mother has made a much larger negative impact on my life. Along with my father, she is judgmental, and frowns upon non-Christians. She has a severe hatred for homosexuals, contributing to my self-ostracizing from the family and to my closeted status with the majority of my family today. The only benefit of her joining the family was that she had two children: my now-step-brother Josh and my now-step-sister Brittany.

At thirteen, I stopped going to church with him and the other members of that side of the family, which I'm sure made me a heathen of sorts in his mind. At sixteen, his mother, my grandmother, died of cancer. My grandma had been the most influential person in my life and was the strongest reason I continued to have contact with my father. With her gone, it became increasingly difficult for me, especially as a teenager, to want to make time to see him. I wanted to develop a relationship with my siblings, however, so I continued to try to make an effort.

Before my grandmother passed away, my father and my step-mother had a child: my brother Jacob. He is now seven years old and has been raised to look down upon non-Christians, homosexuals, and has a temper, similar to my father. I'm sure that both parents are proud they have raised a "knowledgeable" child who will grow up and continue a Christian, judgmental family. Jacob is the son my father never had.

At eighteen, finished high-school, I decided to attend university, to which my father contributed money. After my first year, I worked during the summer and was unsure whether or not I was going to return, as I was not receiving good marks and did not enjoy myself. In June, I called my father from my Nana's house, which was conveniently down the street, on my lunch break to tell him I would be attending for a second year. I calmly told him that if he could contribute, that would be great, and if not, that I would get a job. Either way, I was just informing him. He exploded, saying that I was wasting money and much more that I have actually repressed, and told me to "fuck off" and then hung up on me.

Since then, my father has contributed to my schooling through mandatory child support payments (which have now ended). I have talked to him less times in the last three years than I can count on both hands.

I have grown up without a father. My step-father was simply a man living in my house whom hardly spoke two words to me a day, and my real father was not only not present in my upbringing, but has been a negative, horrible figure throughout my life. This coming year, he has said he will pay for my tuition. Unfortunately, no matter how much money he donates to my future, he will never be considered a "father" to me.

I have talked about him in the past tense because my concept of him has changed so much in my lifetime. The man I loved at five has become the man I loathe at twenty-two. In the future, when he has exhausted the money he feels obligated to give me, I will call him by his first name if I am forced to see him, which will not be often.

There you have it. Although it may seem like I'm overdramatizing the entire relationship, sadly to say, I'm not. I consider myself a stronger individual because of this lack-of-relationship, and for that, I thank him. He has made me realize that although we look alike, we are very different. My inner desire to be a father stems from him. I will have children. I will be a better father to them than he was to me. I want to make that difference in the world, that at least my children will grow up knowing they have a loving, strong father who will be there for them, no matter what.

--Jam