The Rant From the Bottom

I can't believe this is how I turned out. If I had thought three years ago, five years ago, ten years ago that I was to live out five years at Brock, the first two (or more) ignoring the fact I was failing, where I have no money and essentially no life, I would have jumped in front of a truck before any of it could have started. I'm more depressed now than I ever have been in my entire life. I have less control over my life now than I ever have before.

The fact I can't find a job is frustrating beyond comprehension. I have more qualifications and experience and wisdom now than I ever did before. However before I did not have trouble finding a job. Infact, I actually had to turn down a job once because I was getting jobs so easily. So what happened? I've had three unsuccessful interviews. If that can't make someone upset, I don't know what can.

And even through the job woes, then there's school. I'm apparantly on "academic suspension" this coming year, which means I can't take any courses. It's my own fault, of course, but it's annoying at best. I appealed it, hoping they would give me a second chance, but they're taking their sweet time with it, that's for sure. I mean I would love to go back to school, but at this point in time, I would really rather just know what's going on, what I am to look forward to, and how to plan accordingly. This feeling of lasting wonder and constant pondering over "what will I do" is driving me mad and I seem to have a permanent headache. Not exactly fun times.

My mom said that I should move back home (even though at Christmas she said I couldn't come back). I went home for a couple days to see if I could handle it, amongst other things, and I can't. My mom and I were fighting, she gave my room to the new dog (yeah, ouch), the dogs have made my Sheba hate everything, including me, and overall, it's just not possible. To be quite frank, I would rather be in a coma than move back there. Anyone know how to induce a coma?

So I really can't see how things could get much worse. I mean I'm sure they could, so I shouldn't jinx it, but this is the worst my life has ever been. I sound so pathetic talking like this, but it's the honest-to-"God" truth.

Every now and then someone comes to me with a problem. A little glimpse into a part of his/her life that isn't perfect. I want you, you who are reading this and who are lamenting for my cause, to think twice about your problem before you think it's a catastrophe. In my opinion, most of the problems we face now seem so insignificant. I once heard on Oprah that if you're facing a difficulty, think of how you'll feel about it six months from now, or one year from now. Most things won't even be on your mind. Most things will have gone away, to leave room for the new drama, which will also disappear in half-a-year. The dilemma with my problems is that they aren't insignificant. I have no family; that's not going away in one year. I have money troubles; the effects will still be present in a year. I may be kicked out of school; definitely not gone in a year.

So, where do I go from here? Some people have told me that "everything happens for a reason". I'm sorry, but that's a load of monkey poop. Smelly, week-old monkey poop. You control your own life, but that scares me. In order to be where I am now, in this state, I'd have to have lost control. This is the time when most people bring in that wonderful word: fate.

Fate is a concept many people believe in to excuse themselves from the constant woes of life. The get out of jail free card. However I refuse to live my life that way; relying on an endless cycle of nothingness to guide me, telling me that everything will be okay because it happens for a reason. That is true in a sense. Everything does happen for a reason: to make everything something. Without reason, something would be nothing. But to say that the reason comes before the something is ridiculous, and is nothing relevant in my mind full of something.

So all-in-all, I'm angry. I'm angry at my family for abandoning me. I'm angry at some friends for not listening. I'm angry my boyfriend and I have hardly gotten to know each other because he's now on vacation, and will be for another week. I'm angry I can't tell my family about the boyfriend I have hardly gotten to know. I'm angry that Sheba is angry. I'm angry that my mom would buy two dogs and make Sheba angry. I'm angry my mom gave away my room to a dog. I'm angry at myself for not trying as hard as I could in my courses. I'm angry I can't find a job. I'm angry at all the companies who won't give me a job. I'm angry that I'm so angry at so many people.

I'm most angry at fate. I'm angry that people believe in it, that they think it will solve their problems, and that they think that I should become fateful. I'm angry that if fate does exist, if it controls my movements and thoughts and successes and failures, why is it being so cruel? Why would it throw me to the bottom, to make this rant and to wallow in my self-pity?

So now, when you think of commenting or talking to me, remember how upset, disgusted, annoyed, and angry I really am. Think of your problems and put them into perspective so I don't have to put them there for you. I have enough to perceive as it is.

--Jam, from the bottom