James McDonald, Lazy Psycho

Allo.

So I'm still awake at almost 3am. I've tried to go to sleep twice with no luck. I keep thinking about everything and it's so annoying. I'm in between screaming aloud, breaking into hysterics, or completely breaking down.

First off, I hate retail. I recently got a job at The Bay and I dislike it already. I like the people, which is a plus, but I hate plugging that damn HBC, I hate how boring it is, and I hate that tomorrow I'm going to have to walk to work because the buses don't run in Thorold; that means an hour to work and an hour from work.. for a four hour shift.

Branching off from retail is my concern for my future. The stupid school taking it's f*cking time with deciding whether or not I can stay is driving me mad. I need to know soon or my head will roll of my neck and dent the floor. But then again, what happens if I can't get back in? Then do I have to work in retail for a year? I mean I'll have to work somewhere because I need to pay for stuff. However, I really doubt I could work in retail for an entire year. All these plugs and working for something that really seems pointless.. it makes me want to vom. The entire situation.

On top of all this, I have a trip to Barbados that I planned earlier this year for December with my friend Loretta. I'm very much looking forward to it, but it's for three weeks in December, so if I can't go back to school, I'll have to cancel, because a full-time job isn't going to allow me to take three weeks off at Xmas, especially if it's in retail. BUT the stress about this is not only how am I going to get the $900 to go, but if I need to cancel, they didn't get cancellation insurance! Who in their right mind doesn't get cancellation insurance? LIKE OMFG! So, if I can't go and need to cancel, I still need to pay half of my ticket ($400 or so). Aaargh.

Just my entire future just seems like a big steaming pile of cow dung. What the hell am I going to do?

If I get back into school, I will work so hard and everything, more or less, will be fine. I can work at The Bay until mid-autumn to save up some money and then quit, so I'll be able to go to Barbados, but also focus on my studies and I'll be working towards a goal.

If I don't get back into school, I have no freaking clue what the hell I'm going to do. I don't know what kind of job to get, I don't know if I should attempt to live in Thorold or if I should move in with Leanne, I don't know if I should buy a vehicle so I can be more organized or will that cost too much, I don't know what I can and can't afford, I don't know how my family will react to me flunking out, I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I just want this all to go away. I want to warp back three years and work hard and make this all better. I want my life, as it is right now, to be different. Very different. I want to know where I'm going and be doing things I enjoy and be in control. I hate this lack of control that's taken over in every aspect of my life.

Anyways, I'm ranting on. If you're wondering what happened to happy-go-lucky, funny-ass Jam, he'll be back tomorrow I'd imagine. I'm allowed a whine now and then.

--Frazzle Jam