Hunt and Kill

First, make sure you print off eighty million resumes and cover letters. Make sure they look totally beautiful and show off every single aspect of your work experience, because you are obviously measured by what duties you performed while working at Joe's Turkey Barn. Don't forget to dress up as though you are meeting the queen of England because if you miss anything, that job is going to Joe Shmoe. Even Joe wants to leave the Barn. What a turkey.

You have to make sure you go to every single place you've ever seen or heard of, because as much as you hate where you are now, there is something appealing about working at the flea market and/or Future Shop. Make sure you take them out of a binder or clipboard, because a resume on its own is garbage unless it was born from a ten dollar faux-leather university clipboard.

When you finally do get an interview, make sure not to breathe, smile, sweat, or look at or away from the interviewer. Take your time, but not too much time, to think of your answers to the inane questions about "what would you do if a tiger made love to your customer while you were giving her change" or "how could you improve the decor of your desk without adding anything new but fulfilling your sales quota for eight years". Never make a joke, but never be unpleasant.

Once the interview is over, back away slowly, similar to how you would act backing away from a bear or Regis Philbin. You have to wait a week to find out whether or not you got the job - it would make too much sense to find out within a day, because the interviewer obviously needs a week to call your references and decide whether she liked your tie enough to actually give you the job. When she calls you to tell you that you didn't get the job, you know your tie was too blue, and you start all over again.

--Jam hates job hunting