Saturnday

Ola mi amigos!

(I have no idea if that is correct/actual Spanish. It sounds like it could be?)

Yesterday, I had the interesting pleasure of being taken to a movie by my aunt. My cousin, 12, wanted to see The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. Since he is spoiled rotten (literally), and gets everything he wants, he gets to see it on opening day. I said I'd go, as I had nothing pertinent to take up my time. I mean, the movie can't be that bad, can it?

Yes. It can and it was and it is two hours of my life I will never get back. Ever.

The script was ridiculous. The special effects were interesting, but not spot-on by any means. The plot was outrageously predictable, as well as impossible. (For example, Mr. Fantastic has a side project that he keeps hidden for the majority of the film - ooh, I have goosebumps! - which turns out to be a gigantic jet, without a roof by the way, because ya know how people can survive flying without roofs, that can divide into four separate mini-jets! Yes, one man, a scientist no less, can not only design this jet, but build it, too. Of course! Who can't build a jet that divides into four parts? I think they teach that right after the letter F and right before 2+4.)

The acting was terrible - some of the worst I've ever seen. Jessica Alba, a completely beautiful girl, could not act if her life depended on it; good thing the straight men won't notice. Mr. Fantastic, played by Ioan Gruffudd (yeah, I hadn't heard of him either), was plain silly. I looked him up, however, and apparently he was in Titanic as a minor officer character. Go figure? The Human Torch, played by Chris Evans, was gorgeous, but also really can't act. He plays Alba's brother in the film - coincidence they both can't act? I think not. The rock guy isn't worth mentioning or looking up. He was as much an actor in this film as Michael J. Fox is in Stuart Little.

When all seemed lost (and my Glossette supply had run dry), Dr. Von Doom walked onto the screen, and my heart sighed. Not at the character, or the character's name (what were comic creators thinking in the 60's, I will never know), but the actor. Julian McMahon, one of my gigantic (and newfound since I saw him in Premonition) celebrity crushes. If you don't know who he is, go watch something with him in it, and you'll love me for it. He's strangely handsome, possibly "dashing", although calling someone dashing kind of hurts my soul.

In the end, the Silver Surfer destroys the evil thing he was originally working for in order to save Earth, which makes total sense. After that happens, there is no talk of the great sacrifice the Surfer did for them, the terrifying evil Galactus that was going to swallow the planet, the location of Doctor Doom, the fact that none of the Four are actually Fantastic, nothing. They just walk down a burning street in South-East China (because throughout the movie, they had to show not only Big Ben and the Pyramids, but also the Great Wall, of which they take out a huge chunk. No biggie - you're the Fantastic Four!) and discuss the future of the Four, being all connected-this and team-that. Lovely.

All-in-all, do not see this movie. I know some of you crazy cats were thinking of it, but, just, no. I forbid it.

Oh, I forgot to mention that while Galactus is traveling to Earth, he destroys Saturn's rings. Yea. They don't exist anymore. Silly death-cloud-monster. Good thing the Surfer just flew inside and blew you up. Makes total sense.

--Jam

PS: Holy cow. Sorry for all the parenthesis. I promise less next time (unless I forget).