The Longest Wedding of My Life

Yesterday I went to my friend Becky's wedding. She's actually more Athena's friend and I was Athena's date. It was the longest day of my life lol or so it felt like. Here is a breakdown of the day (enjoy!):

The Pre-Wedding
I took the bus around 1:00pm to make it to the church for 1:30 because the ceremony started at 2. I wasn't sure what bus to take or where exactly it was, so I was being safe. It was blistering hot and obviously I was in formal wear (I looked f-ing hawt, btw), so I got kinda sweaty while waiting for the bus. Yummy! I rode the bus for a while and actually got on the right one on the first time (I'm a champ). I missed my stop by one or two stops, so I had to walk and get more sweaty for approximately five minutes. Yay pit stains!

The Church
I arrived at the church around 1:20pm. There was hardly anyone there except the pastors and they greeted me and slightly ignored me, so that's always fun. I sat in the foyer (if that's what you call the first room in a church) for a couple minutes until I realized that the ushers just weren't coming anytime soon and seated myself. There were actually two aisles, so I wasn't sure which "side" was actually the brides and the grooms because there were two sides and a middle, so I sat in the middle (lol, I'm a rebel).

The church was not air-conditioned, so that made for an even sweatier Jam. It was a strange looking church, and had some scripture painted on the wall about a church near Hell, which I thought was very odd. It was very basic, definitely not a "pretty" church, and not somewhere I'd have my wedding, but it had sentimental value for the bride, so I have no complaints besides the hot sticky temperature of death.

The Ceremony
The wedding finally started at 2:30pm. I was sitting alone because Athena was in the wedding party and I was completely roasting. The heat had given me a terrible headache, so throughout this entire day (until the booze at the reception), my head was pounding. The ceremony itself was very cute. It was apparantly Medieval-themed, even though I didn't see much of that besides the bridesmaids' dresses and that the groomsmen had swords on their backs, which I found interesting as well as nerdy.

The Receiving Line
The wedding was already awkward enough. My date was in the wedding party so for the majority of the day, I was alone, knowing no one but the bride and a bridesmaid. I went through the receiving line with a routine; shake their hand, ask them who they are, introduce myself, and say congratulations. Anything else could lead to strange awkward conversation, so if I limit myself, I'll be fine. Everyone's fairly normal, still awkward but not too awkward I suppose.

I got to the maid of honour and I said the same thing and she cuts me off and says "Oh, so you're the fabled James!"
I reply "O-oh? I didn't realize I'm fabled."
"Yes, you are. I think you're sitting with my mother at the reception."
So, it's very hot and I wasn't sure who this person was at all. I said "Oh, so you're Becky's sister?" because I figured why would some girl's mom just be invited to the reception? ..Because God hates me, that's why.
"What? I'm not related to Becky!" She was practically lecturing me.
"Oh, sorry it's just-"
"I'm Becky's friend."
"Okay." I moved on. Some people's kids, I tell ya. She might have said more, but I seem to have almost fully blocked that out of my memory. Thank Jebus.

The Photos
The bride's mom was my ride everywhere because a limo arrived for the wedding party. They had to go to get pictures done at this beautiful park up on the mountain, so we drove there and waited for the limo to arrive. After about half-an-hour of waiting in a sunny park of heatstroke, the parents realized that maybe they went to do the pictures at the reception hall first for some reason. We drive over and sure enough, the limo is there, and they're all standing around outside the limo. Apparantly the limo driver dropped them there first and then left to go somewhere, so we waited for him to reappear (he was in Blockbuster..), and then drove back to the park to do pictures. While the pictures were being taken at the park, I basically stood around and stared at the best man (topic to come later). Finally the parents were done their portion of the pictures, so we finally got to leave around 5pm.

The House
The reception wasn't starting until 6pm, so Shirley (bride's mom) had to go back to her house to finish sewing the going away dress, so of course, I was dragged along. Their house was a disaster, with leaves and bags and everything else everywhere, so I took two pills for my knife-in-the-brain headache, cleared a spot on the couch, and relaxed. It turns out I sat next to the sewing machine and ended up having to help Shirley slightly with the sewing, but nothing major. We left there around 5:45.

The Best Man
I'll update on this before I get to the reception. I was told prior to the wedding date that the best man is not only gay, but also attractive and a great guy, and single. I first saw him at the church and was immediately taken back because wow, he's a pretty li'l boy! LOL! I was trying not to stare at him during the ceremony, but it was kind of hard not to, I must admit. So long story short, me likey.

The Reception
I was seated at a table with a bunch of people that know one another. Charming. I basically kept walking back and forth between Athena at the head table and my table. The MC was the first to speak and he was terrible. I mean, I just don't get it lol. He was a man, probably in his fifties, and was not a good public speaker at all. I know at my wedding, I'm getting someone fun and entertaining, not someone balding and boring, but that's just me. The food was rancid, the chicken being undercooked and the everything else being bland as wallpaper. My headache was really taking over and I'm sure for a while there, I looked drowsy and sick. Yay me!

Once the speeches started, I was a little tipsy and the pills were finally starting to kick in. The speeches, I must admit, were terrific. Every person really did at least an okay speech, and more than half were very good. I know at most weddings the speeches are horribly boring, so congrats to Becky for choosing great people in that department. After they were done, I had drank almost an entire bottle of wine and was being much more "open" with my table and everyone else, lol. The dancing started and I was really starting to have a great time. I did the macarena with a line of people I didn't even know, including a hot groomsmen who was the DJ, Luke, so that's always fun and hot, LOL! It seemed that a lot of the people left very early on, but a lot of the good people stayed 'til the bitter end with me, so that's good.

I was finally introduced to the best man Mike (this will be the fourth Mike I have liked or dated.. good lord), and we really hit it off right away. We were drinking wine out of the bottle (one of the bridesmaids had yelled at me for wanting to do that, but then Mike gave me permission, so I had an excuse lol), we danced a lot, and by the end of the night we were bantering back and forth like we already knew each other. Alcohol is the best thing ever for helping me with that, because normally talking to a cute boy would have made me want to barf, so yay lol.

It all ended around 10:30. On the way out, I realized I had forgotten to give him my number, so while he was walking in front of me, I pulled on his arm and said to him closely, "Can I give you my number?" He said of course, but neither of us had a pen, but he said email one of the bridesmaids for it, so I did. I'm waiting for it lol.

The Long Walk
Athena and I decided to walk to the office she works at (and that I used to work at) which belongs to her parents so that she could drop off stuff, and then we could bus it to my place. We walked for maybe half-an-hour to the office, stayed there for ten or so, and walked out to the bus stop. We waited there for probably a 1/2 hour before realizing that it probably wasn't coming. We started walking and before we got to the Jolly Cut (which leads down the mountain), we saw two buses go in the opposite direction. We figured that they would have to loop around, so again, we waited.

We waited.. and waited.. and waited. We looked at an ant hill killing a bunch of silverfish and got grossed out. We saw a bush across the street that looked like a person and yelled at it. We complained about the bitches at the wedding. We finally determined that we should just walk home. We walked all the way down the mountain and to my house, which, for those of you who are Hamilton-illiterate, is a very long walk.

The End
We arrived at my house and basically crashed without thinking, lol. We realized it was 3 o'clock somehow and were scared that time was scary. I emailed hottie in my aired-out drunken stupor and then went to bed. Athena left this morning, and I am ready for a nap and ready for a date with a hot best man.

Damn that wine was tasty!

--Wedding Jam