The Bus Crazies Ate My Soul

Caution! Upcoming rant on: The Crazies on the Bus.

This evening, on my ride home from Starbucks, I thought I was going to die, either from excess amounts of insanity seeping into my brain, or from the crazies just bludgeoning me to death. Here's my tally of the obvious insanos, although I'm sure there were more:

Two seats up: Smile Woman
Every three seconds or so, she would turn to someone around her and smile this gigantic, Cheshire Cat, "I'm going to kill you, it makes me so happy, and there is nothing you can do about it" smile. At one point, I became the victim. I felt her smile away my thoughts out of a scary leech-alien horror flick. She also probably noticed my "you are the strangest woman on the planet" face. Either way, she didn't smile me to death again.

One seat back: Deep Voice Tapper Man
As part of my background noise, I had a very deep-voiced man muttering the most absolutely random things.
"I bought the carpenter beetle flooding."
"My toe went that."
"Hello? Hello? Hello? No."
"But then I bumble yes."
I swear on my soul. Aside from the mutterings every five minutes, he also tapped on my seat with his hand the entire ride. We're not talking about normal, now-and-then, "tap, tap, tap" action. We're talking "tap, taptaptapTAPTAPTAP... tap" insanity. I kept half-turning around, doing that "quit it" look without looking directly at him, but he didn't get it. I didn't want to look right at him because I noticed, in my peripheral vision, that he was a ginormous fat man, so I let him tap and mumble about his floods. Maybe he's the next Noah and won't save me now that I blogged about his epiphany. Oh well.

Back of the bus: The Morbid Crew
There were three or four people at the very back of the bus (I didn't turn around to take a toll of how many exactly) that went on and on about death. First it was what method of suicide would be "most fun" or "least painful". One woman thought sleeping pills, another thought hanging would do the trick and show everyone that they meant it. I thought any way possible as long as it was fast and allowed me to stop listening to this the entire trip home. Then they moved on to being buried alive. I swear to anyone you want me to swear to. Being buried alive. One guy was saying "If I woke up, and I was buried alive, I wouldn't put up with that shit! I'd claw my way out! No fuckin' way they're gonna do that to me!" The other bunch were like "Fuck ya, man!" as if he just said something great and courageous. Um, hello? Crazy digging man? If by some miracle you clawed your way through a coffin, the earth would cave in and crush you. Moron. And who would bother going to the trouble of burying a Newfie hick alive anyway? No one, that's who.

Four seats up: Cletis
This man actually did the Cletis laugh. For those of you who do not watch The Simpsons, Cletis is the epitome of hick, and has this ridiculous "H'yuck" laugh. The guy at the front of the bus did it at least five times. It was unbelievable. He also kept staring at people that were further back on the bus than he was, which, for those of you who are bad at perspective, is everyone. We, as the bunch who are facing forward, really have nowhere to look except forward, so it is extremely awkward when a person at the front gawks at you for twenty seconds. If you are a backwards-starer, stop it.

One seat up: "Oh Suzanna" Smelly Whistle Man
Okay - this one's a doozy, if doozy is a word, which my spellcheck is telling me it isn't. First of all, this guy smelled like a mix of wet cardboard, wet dog, and musty sweatsock vomit. I don't really understand it, but it was vile, to the point where I rode much of the trip just smelling my hand. You don't realize how good your skin smells until you have to smell wet cardboard dog must barf sweatsocks. Trust me. On top of the smell (and the horrible way he was dressed - some brown coat from 1981 with a gigantic eagle-vulture on the back), he was whistling "Oh Suzanna" over and over. Now, it gets worse than that. He would put extra beats into the lyrics, thus disallowing my brain to hum along and tune out any of this insanity. Let me demonstrate, using the lyrics of that wonderful tune that I oh-so-want to hear again, "Oh Suzanna".

It rained all night, the day I left
The weather it it it it it it it it it was dry.
The sun so hot, I I I I I I froze to death,
Suzanna don't you cry.
Oh, Suz-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-AAAAAAAAAAA-nna!

Three seats back, opposite row: Poop Boy and his "Parent?"
This little boy of possibly five years old smelled manure. Great for him. He says to his mom, or to his older woman sitting next to him, "I smell cow poo!" His woman, who is chatting on her cell phone about "he did this" and "NO FUCKING WAY!" completely ignores him. Again: "I smell cow poo!" Nothing. "I smell cow poo!" "He did what!?" "I smell cow poo!" "Well he so deserves it! Fuckin' bastard, hey?" "I smell cow poo!" Ya. They got off after about ten minutes. That was a fun ten minutes. I think I'll have about ten years of therapy in response to those ten minutes. Hopefully they're as fun as the ten minutes were. I can only dream.

Four seats up, opposite row: The Next-Generation Crazy
Lastly, there was a lone teenage boy at the front of the bus who, by all standards written in this rant, make him the youngest and thus next generation insano created to drive me to type so hard my fingers bleed. At first, he looked fairly normal. Ugly clothes (but that's normal in glorious Newfoundland - fashion sense hasn't traveled overseas yet), baseball cap, but otherwise, a normal looking kid of about sixteen. Then his cell phone rings. I thought scrambled television had transformed and was eating our bus. It sounded like it could have been a song, but was so staticky and distorted and loud that it just sounded like eight fifty-year-old televisions making love on the wrong channels. Then he chatted to his girlfriend and, to impress the fun morons around him, including Cletis, he would put the phone down while she talked and give his phone the finger. Yeah, classy times on the bus for me. This went on for at least two minutes until he caught me staring at him and give him the "oh my good Jebus" face and he hung up. Kids grow up into crazies so fast these days.

So, ladies and gentlemen, if you see crazy people on the bus, do us all a favour and give them a dirty look. Maybe they'll hang up the phone on crazy and leave us all the hell alone.

--Jam

PS: I swore on my soul earlier but I really can't do that anymore. The crazies on the bus ate it, so I'll swear on your soul instead.

Never Look Back

Hey dudes and dudettes. You're all totally rad.

My spell check thing underlined "dudettes" and not "dudes". The world is a cruel place.

Anywho, I'm seem to be going through a lot lately, without actually doing much. First off, the job hunt has basically ceased. I had an interview on Friday with another Scotiabank. It went unbelievably well - two very laid back Newfie women basically just had a long conversation with me about my past bank experiences, my personality and interests, and about whatever just popped into their heads. It was probably the best interview I've ever had, so that's always a bonus. I find out soon if I got the job, but I can't imagine that I didn't. On top of that, I have an interview tomorrow at a fancy shmancy restaurant downtown for an assistant waiter position. I'm really hoping on this one because I could keep it through the year, evenings and weekends, and I'd imagine I'd get paid quite well, with tips and all at a fancy restaurant. So, yay! I'm so happy the job thing is finally going my way, because those curtains that I mentioned earlier already had some BBQ sauce on them.

Aside from that, I've made a decision to stop using MSN Messenger, among other things, such as Gay.com, Myspace, Facebook, Faceparty, etc. I'm leaving it all behind. A lot of people don't get it and have been asking me why, so allow me to explain. I'm wasting away my life on MSN. I have so many inane conversations with people daily that it is driving me insane. People, including myself, just hop on their computers, wedge themselves into their chairs or other seating devices, and chat to anyone who will listen. Chat about TV, the weather, guys, whatever. It's just so silly and I am growing to the point where I want to talk on the phone or in person rather than wait for a friend to come online so I can ask him via text whether he wants to go for coffee. It's ridiculous, so I'm doing away with it.

Now, I know all of you in Ontario are thinking "Oh good lord, no! We'll never talk to Jam again!" and are climbing up onto bridge ledges, scrunching up your faces in preparation for the jump. Unscrunch, my dear Ontarians. Unscrunch. I'll be emailing a lot more, as I think people appreciate receiving them a lot more than they appreciate a five second instant message. I'll also be blogging like there's no tomorrow, so you can always stay updated via.. right here.

This brings me to my next fun, progressive point. I'm going to revamp Jam's Blog! *cheers* Calm down, calm down. I'm not sure what exactly I'm going to do yet, or when it's going to be implemented, but trust me - it is coming. Now you may cheer.

Lastly, I thought I should put some boy crap in here, as that stuff has been happening a bit lately. I've been spending time with Michael this week and things seem alright. I feel differently about him than I did a month or two ago. I've put up a shield so I don't get attached, so we're just hanging out, and basically dating without "dating". I'll do a full post about it later when I'm more boy-dramatic, but for now, I'm just having some fun and taking it one step at a time.

And that's our program for today! Tune in next time for Jam... naked!

HAHA! I'm SO kidding. Good god.

--Jam with clothes on

Sittin' on a Dock in the Bay

Another day.

I'm sitting in the computer commons, listening to the clickety-clack of the keys and the breakity-crunch of my brain. I have class in half-an-hour, then I'm trekking up to a new restaurant that needs a full-time dishwasher. Glamorous, I know. It's a great restaurant, so hopefully I can work my way up to waiter and work there through the school year. I need to find a job soon though or I'm going to have to start eating my curtains. If they were pretty curtains then maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but they're pretty damn ugly, so I don't imagine they taste like mint chocolate.

I had a great weekend - went out two nights in a row, both mornings with no hangover. I'm amazing. I haven't done that in years! I was really down on Friday, but thanks to a lot of my friends and even more booze, I am definitely cheering up!

Oh my jebus. I was at Etomik, if any of you newfies know if it, and noticed my favourite bartender. Now, I have a lot of bartenders I like more, so I shouldn't call him my fave, but he is, simply because he is so ridiculously attractive. He's built like a.. built.. holy god. He's like a little taller than me, dark hair.. sorry, I just had a moment. Anyway, I was convinced he was gay. He dressed almost better than me and there was just some vibe. I guess it was all me dreaming and wishing that he was, because my friends asked him in their drunken stupor, and no, he's not. Oh well - he'll always be the bartender of my dreams.

Has anyone ever read Othello? I know Ben has, and he has a favourite Shakespeare quote from it 'cause he's so cool like that, but has anyone else? I'm reading it now and I can't say I'm enjoying it as much as Hamlet. It's all confusing and silly, at least to me. Maybe once I read the quote I'll fall into a joy-seizure and never need to read anything ever again as I will be so very complete that my brain will glow? Somehow I don't see that happening. Somehow I don't see me wanting that to happen. Glow-brain seems painful.

Well, off to class I go. I should have wore my red hoodie and brought a basket so I could skip down the halls like Little Red Riding Hood! Wouldn't that be awesome?

Ya. Ya it would.

--Little Gay Riding Hood

Men Are Pedophiles

First, go watch the first half of this video.

Okay, for those of you who don't watch the video because you're at work or you're lazy or stopped listening to my demands in September of '05, I'll recap. The ladies of The View, predominantly Rosie, bash male nannies and say they would not hire a male nanny for fear of him being a pedophile. Rosie goes further and says even after checking references, she would still not hire a male nanny to watch her children.

I would like to say how disgusted I am with this opinion. This generalization that all men are predisposed to be pedophiles is ludicrous. The View has a tendency to be very pro-woman, which is obvious when four women are the hosts, the audience is 99% women, and the viewers at home must be mostly women. However, when they decide to say that all men, including those who are qualified to do so, cannot watch children because they may sexually abuse them, I am thoroughly outraged and disappointed.

I don't want to rant forever, because I think the ridiculousness of this topic speaks for itself. I vow to all of you that I am a man and I'm not a pedophile! Surprising, I know.

Leave your opinion.

--Jam

Late Night Plotting

Holy god - when did it become 3am? This will be brief now that I just realized the time.

I have a class this summer, Shakespearean tragedies (providing me with a tragic summer.. funny if I haven't used that joke on here yet, lol). It's rather boring, save the very cute boy that is sitting practically next to me. I'm pretty sure he's gay, and every now and then I'll catch his eyes at the beginning of class. I probably turn about eight shades of red and look like I'm holding in barf because he's so cute. Also, he dresses to perfection (he has this purple/gray striped shirt that makes me melt).

My question to all of you is what do I do? I'd love to have a summer romance, meet a new guy, but I have no idea how to introduce myself without coming off as a total desperate freak. I'm also not sure that he's gay, so what if I give him my number or something of that nature only to find out that he's straight? I have to sit near him all semester, so to make things very awkward would be a very bad thing. On the other hand, risking it might be the best idea, because what is life without risk? I could give him my number only to find out he wanted to give his to me all along.

Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to tell me what the hell I should do. Be detailed - don't just say "do it" 'cause I'll come through my computer and slap you. That will be frightening, and time consuming for me, and no one wants that.

--Jam and his boys

PS: By "if you choose to accept it", I mean "when you comment on this blog". It's not optional.

A Day of Days

International Day Against Homophobia



Days like today are important. No matter how far we have come, there are still leagues to go. Make an effort.

--Jam

This and That and One of Those

Rosie O'Donnell
As every one of you probably know by now, Rosie is leaving The View after only one year. She's been controversial from day one, talking about gay issues to creating a large (and thoroughly entertaining) feud with Donald Trump.

I have to say that I love Rosie and I am very disappointed she's leaving the show. I mean, Joy and Elisabeth and Barbara are all very fun, but Rosie adds an element to the show that makes me want to watch it. She also makes me want to search for clips on Youtube, which I may or may not be watching right now. I think the show is going to take a huge dive when she leaves and I hope they can recover. Marie Osmond has showed an interest, but I kind of think she would suck ass, so let's hope she doesn't get it, shall we?

On a side note, Bill O'Reilly is a disgusting person who has a little rant called "Talking Points" where he preaches to the camera. He speaks about Rosie and other issues as though his word is from God (or Satan) himself. He also talks about people as "the far left", enveloping an entire group of people with their various opinions as one large group. Very professional.

Health Care
I've been sick for almost seven weeks with every symptom under the sun at one point or another. I've been to the walk-in clinics three times and each time have received a different type of medication, but am still not better. I feel like the qualified physicians that work in the walk-in clinics simply try to get the patients in and out without actually assessing what the problem is. Maybe they have finally got it right, but it's a quick guess without facts and I find that dangerous, for the doctors' careers and my personal health.

Tyra Banks
Has anyone else noticed that she's gone a little crazy? I mean, on America's Next Top Model, she has been being very candid with her coaching, saying "you did this *make crazy face* and you should have done this *make other crazy face*". She was on The View recently (I seem to have a The View addiction) and she felt up Rosie for like ten seconds while making a crazy scream. Maybe she's taking after Oprah? I do enjoy Tyra and I'm glad she's become successful, but on her show she's so pretentious and on other shows she's a crazy nut. Not sure what to believe in anymore! *breaks down*

Just kidding.

Mars
Recently they released a mini Mars Rover that can be directed all around the house and has a mini cam so you can pretend you're on Mars, in your own home! How exciting! I think eventually people are going to live in Mars. I really don't know much about the planet or anything, but it seems more plausible than living on the moon. I think it would be fun to take the long voyage to Mars and start my life there, if it was safe and interesting. Can you imagine being one of the first people to live there and create the first civilization and history to ever exist on a planet? I really don't imagine it will be in my lifetime, but maybe some space future man will read this and deem me as an oracle. Yes, Mr. space future man - I foresaw it.

Fashion
I need so much more money. I see things I want to buy basically every day of my life. I want more blazers, I want more crazy huge shiny belt buckles, I was colourful tight undies, I want tons of dress socks, I want, I want, I want. I don't have anything else to say about that. Someone buy me a little, light blue trunk short. Please?

Well, that's enough for today. Only two people, both without blogs, have asked to do the interview from my last post. *shakes head in shame*

--Jam

Five Questions

One of my favourite bloggers Liz has continued an interview style post from one of her favourite bloggers. I thought I'd keep it going and allow her to ask me five questions to which I will give responses, and then if any of you want to (or know me and therefore must) participate, comment on here and I'll come up with five questions for you to put on your blog! Sounds fun? That's 'cause it is.

1) What do you consider to be your worst vice?
This has to be the hardest question she asked and she asked it first! Way to go.

I'm not sure why this question is so difficult for me, but I don't think I have an answer. I think very highly of myself, and though I do think I have faults, I don't think any of them to be a vice, per se.

2) If you could go anywhere in the world, expenses paid, where would you go?
Well, I have three locations that stand out amongst the others.

The first is Peru. I have studied Peru in many different contexts, from its history to its geographical phenomena to its unique culture. I would love to see Maccu Picchu and the Incan ruins and experience the best Lima and other Peruvian cities have to offer.

The second is Japan. I've studied the Meiji period to the modern period of Japanese history fairly closely and who doesn't love Japanese culture? Japan, to me, has a sense of safety, even in its largest cities, and I would love to see if that image is reality.

The last is a rather extravagant trip, and lasts about half-a-year. It's a tour around the whole of South America, including a couple weeks to Antarctica. The adventure of this vacation really appeals to me, especially the trip to a place where hardly anyone has traveled.

3) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Hands down, I would change my work ethic. In terms of school, I had life pretty easy in the first eighteen years of my life. This lead to a serious flunk-out from Brock, and me having to learn, as an adult, how to learn. I call this "the curse of the gifted child" and hopefully if I see it in the future in the children around me, whether they be mine or another's, I'll be able to fix it before it messes things up.

Boy, that was a tangent.

4) When did you KNOW you were gay?
Hah! Well since I wear my sexuality on my sleeve along with my emotions and my opinions, I suppose I could have expected this sort of question.

Unlike the lying gay people who say they have known since they were born or since they were a child, I have known since puberty. Plain and simple. Before that, I was not attracted to anyone in particular because, sadly to say, no one is. They could recognize beauty, but I don't think that should be mistaken for attraction or sexuality whatsoever. I do have a problem with gay men who say they have known "forever" because it simply cannot be true, as a straight person has not known their sexuality "forever" and would never say such a ridiculous thing.

On a side note, since some people have asked me, I'll say that I accepted being gay fairly quickly, as opposed to some people who go through denial and say they're bisexual and all that. I think I was in denial for about a day, if that. I don't even remember being in denial, just wondering what was going on. Once I knew, I knew, and the rest is fabulous history.

5) Do you have any regrets in life? If so, what is your biggest regret?
Of course, a couple obvious things come to mind. Screwing up at Brock rings a giant bell, letting Mike go a while back rings another. I try not to live with regrets because I do love who I am today, but I think those who live without regret are living in ignorance of the past and can't fully learn from their mistakes.

So, if you have a blog and want to do an interview:

1. Email me (amelioratio (at) hotmail (dot) com) or comment on here and let me know with your email, if I don't already have it.
2. I'll send you back five questions. Lucky for you, I get to choose them.
3. You answer the questions on your blog.
4. Include a li'l explanation about what just happened, and do the interview to other people if they ask!

So there you have it. Now you know a little more about me, via the curious nature of Liz.

--Jam

Hunt and Kill

First, make sure you print off eighty million resumes and cover letters. Make sure they look totally beautiful and show off every single aspect of your work experience, because you are obviously measured by what duties you performed while working at Joe's Turkey Barn. Don't forget to dress up as though you are meeting the queen of England because if you miss anything, that job is going to Joe Shmoe. Even Joe wants to leave the Barn. What a turkey.

You have to make sure you go to every single place you've ever seen or heard of, because as much as you hate where you are now, there is something appealing about working at the flea market and/or Future Shop. Make sure you take them out of a binder or clipboard, because a resume on its own is garbage unless it was born from a ten dollar faux-leather university clipboard.

When you finally do get an interview, make sure not to breathe, smile, sweat, or look at or away from the interviewer. Take your time, but not too much time, to think of your answers to the inane questions about "what would you do if a tiger made love to your customer while you were giving her change" or "how could you improve the decor of your desk without adding anything new but fulfilling your sales quota for eight years". Never make a joke, but never be unpleasant.

Once the interview is over, back away slowly, similar to how you would act backing away from a bear or Regis Philbin. You have to wait a week to find out whether or not you got the job - it would make too much sense to find out within a day, because the interviewer obviously needs a week to call your references and decide whether she liked your tie enough to actually give you the job. When she calls you to tell you that you didn't get the job, you know your tie was too blue, and you start all over again.

--Jam hates job hunting

The Daily Grind

Hey People!

Look, you got a capital P because you're so sPecial! Woot.

So, not a whole lot to report. I still have no internet. I'll be internetless until Monday, so I'm basically going insane with boredom. I play PS2 for several hours everyday, I go to the mall or the school everyday - it's all just so exciting! It's amazing how I have become, in a mere six years, completely dependent on the internet for those times when I get bored. I suppose it is better than watching TV, but not quite as good as reading, which is why I picked up a course this summer.

The course is "Shakespearean tragedies". Yes, it's as exciting as it sounds. We'll be reading six plays in the course of one semester, so that's a play every eleven days. Holy crapper. I have to start with Hamlet today. Excitement.

Not much else to say. Michael's gone, even as a friend now. I haven't heard from him in a while, and I only talk to him when I bump into him and make the effort. That's not the way I operate, so no more him.

I have an interview tomorrow at a Scotiabank, so fingers and toes crossed that I get that so I don't starve to death! Yay!

So, yeah, sorry this is the most boring and/or pointless post ever. I'll be more interesting next time. I promise!

--Jam in a pink shirt

Come Back Tomorrow

Hey people.

So I am seriously dying of space plague, or something equally as awful. I'm weak, hurty.. the whole works. I dragged myself out of bed this morning and trekked all the way to the school, in my dazed state of mind, to go to the walk-in clinic so they could fix me. When I arrived, the lady behind the desk says "yes?" I never understood that. What does she think I want?

"Yes. I'd like a ride on your ferris wheel please."
"Yes. I'd like to rent an ostrich please."
"Yes. How much do you cost per hour?"

Like, seriously. Anyway, I say "I'm sick," in a very blunt manner, "and I'd like to get looked at."
She replies, "well I don't think we have any openings today." What?
"What?"
She scans a list in front of her. "Yep. All booked up. How about 10.20 tomorrow?"
"I thought this was a walk-in clinic."
"Well, we've been very busy so we're on appointments now." Right.
"Yeah, 10.20's fine."

So now, I have to drag my sick ass home, veg for a day, wake up tomorrow, drag my sick ass back to the school, so I can spend all of five minutes in the doctor's office while they tell me I have a sick ass and I need antibiotics. Charming.

Anyway, other than me being sick, nothing much else is going down. I moved into my new place yesterday and am still in dire need of the unpacking fairy. He's tied up with the tooth fairy at a conference this week though, so I'll have to wait 'til later on before my things get unpacked. Lazy damn fairy.

Oh, one other thing to talk about before I go. Does anyone say "like" all the time and dislike the fact that they say it? I say it now and then (I even said it earlier in this post), but I really enjoy the fact that I say it. Now, don't get me wrong. There is a limit on how many likes you can say in a sentence. However, when I say like, I'm saying a word that's part of modern language in order to communicate in a more casual way with others. I don't see anything wrong with it. So there, all you language Nazis. So there.

And with that, Jam fluttered away in search of medication and sleep.

--Jam