The Relation Ship

CAUTION! Upcoming rant on: Relationships

The relation ship is a large vessel that comes to your dock at some point in your life, allows you to board, which of course you do willingly. It takes you to a far-off land where you pick up another passenger, and the two of you sail around on the relation ship for all of eternity. Sometimes the ship runs out of supplies and the passengers have to disembark from the wonderful relation ship. Other times, two ships will meet and swap passengers (see the movie Closer for a visual aid). Those who sit on the docks gazing out at the numerous ships out at sea become envious. "What is that ship like," they ask. "Where is it going? Are the passengers happy?" The land-lubbers shouldn't be asking questions of the ship, however. They should be asking one of themselves: "Do I actually want to be on a relation ship?" (There could be rats! *shreek*)

You know the feeling. That knot in your stomach when you see happy couples walk by, hand-in-hand, thoughts only of one another. The feeling that fills you with envy, satisfaction, anger, sadness, and wonderment. It could very well be the animal instinct inside all of us, giving us a longing to find a mate, reproduce, and all that fun stuff. However, many couples don't have kids right away, some don't have them at all, and what about homosexual couples? Sex is different than a relationship. Our desire for sex is definitely a factor, but it cannot be a deciding one, because we can't have sex 24/7, now can we? (If you can, please don't share that. It's weird.)

I've looked onto relationships for the past four years wondering what it would be like to be in a "happy couple", to have someone who would always look out for me, who would always be there for me. I'm coming to the realization, however, that there are many many relationships I would never want to be in:

There are the kinds of couples who "seclude" themselves. I understand private time is needed and not a problem, but when I speak of seclusion, I mean from all others at almost all times. It's as if the couples' brains malfunction and they just can't get over the fact that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend! It's so exciting! "I don't need friends or pastimes or hobbies anymore!" It all sounds silly, but you and I both know they exist.

There are also the kind of couples who don't "fit". Those two people you see together than sometimes seem happy, but most of the time seem to be together because they're together. It's a cycle, it never ends, and it's very strange. Kind of like a comet surfing throughout the universe: it's doing it, but is there a reason?

One of my personal favourites are the couples who become extremely boring after they meet "the one". I mean who needs a social life when you have the one? These couples are different from the secluders because they are still having some fun, whereas these people just don't need fun anymore. These are mostly parental types who enjoy laundry and television, rather than long walks on the beach or anything remotely entertaining.

So you may be thinking to yourself "as long as they're happy, you shouldn't judge," and you're more than right. I onlook not to judge them and call them seclusive, reasonless, or boring, but rather to make a decision that I will never fit into those categories. I have also seen couples that I truly do envy, so I will become one of those. My relation ship will be the pride of the sea. Those on land will take pictures of our ship and be jealous beyond all reason.

But for now, I'm happy sitting on land, gazing at the seagulls and the ripples in the water. My ship will come.

--Jam

The Dust Has Only Just Begun to Fall

So I know it's very late, but I was up playing a game with a cute boy, talking to Craig in the kitchen about politics and ickly people, and drinking Christmas-like tea.

I had to post about a song that is one of those songs that changes me, that affects me in ways almost indescribable. It's called Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap. I had never heard of them, but they collaborated with someone else to make Frou Frou, so that gives you an idea of their type of music.

This song, however, is not like Frou Frou. First of all, it has no music besides vocals. Every sound you hear, even the background noises, I'm positive are just harmonious vocals. The song is slow, but intense. The lyrics are socio-political on one hand, and simplistic on the other.

Everything about it is just so amazing, and it actually makes me cry (I'm crazy, I know). Few songs have the intensity and monumental sound needed to make a person cry, but this song is just that: monumental. Is it strange? Sure. Is it for everyone? No, of course not. No song is.

To find out if it will change you like it has me, pleeeease download it. It's really worth it, and even if you don't like it, you can know that you listened to something that has and will have an impact on my life.

--Musical Jam

The Tumbleweed Rolls On

G'd'afternoon, my li'l fuzzy bunnies!

So I know, it's been three whole days since I last posted and you're going crrrrazy wondering what's going on, right? Right.

First off, work has gotten a lot better. I love the people I work with, and the job is gaining more and more aspects to make it more interesting. My manager Edith reminds me of my nana and my grandma combined, so it's fun to be around her all the time. There's some fun girls who work in cash, and I can see us being great friends in the future. I worked over eight hours yesterday in mens, on cash, and in receiving, so it was definitely a long, but good day (I made 64 bucks in one day!.. even though I made 75 everyday last summer lol).

Hmm, what else? I've been chatting to a new boy (again). This one I met in person for once and he's soooo cute it's disgusting. I'm trying to flirt with him, but I haven't decided if he's flirting back or if he's not interested or what. He definitely flirted with me when I met him at the bar, so who knows. He goes to Brock during the year so that's a plus. I don't know if he reads this or not, so if he does, oops! lol whatever. If he's gonna get scared off by knowing that I'm flirting with him, then he's not worth it anyway, right? Right.

I'm always right.

I'm going home to Brantford for Friday and Saturday because my nana broke some bones in her back so she's not doing too hot. She's on morphine because the pain is too much, so that's really not good. I figure I'll bring her a little teddy bear and cheer her up a little bit. I mean, wouldn't I cheer you up? Damn right I would, loser.

Haha, I kid! I kid because I love (kittens)!

My room is a big mess. Where the heck is Natalie to clean it? She said she was gonna clean it, you know. What a lying poohead.

I got back into working out lately. Well, kinda. I'm getting back into it. I need to learn how to do proper crunches. I feel like I'm getting a belly, and that just can't happen. Like, just, no.

Well, my tummy's-a-rumblin' and my b.o.'s-a-grumblin', so I'm gonna shower up and food.. down.

--Jam, who is always right (and don't you forget it).

Listen to: Cool by Gwen Stefani.
Read: Fall on Your Knees by Ann Marie Macdonald. After 100 pages, it's still as compelling as it was on page one.

Michael Quest III

If you played any NES as a kid, or like Michael Jackson, or know of NES and/or Michael Jackson, you need to watch this.

--Jam

What Do You Mean I'm Gay?

So I took a li'l quiz thingy. Here's my score:

Mostly Gay You scored -35 (-52 being completely gay, 0 being bisexual, and 52 being completely straight)

You are mainly homosexual, but you have a few heterosexual qualities. You much prefer the same sex, but you have a mild interest in the opposite sex. While you would jump at the opportunity to screw someone of the same sex, you might be up for experimenting with members of the opposite sex if given the opportunity. If you are sexually inexperienced, you could shift on the spectrum at a later time depending on whether you have sexual encounters with the opposite sex and whether or not you like those encounters.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 4% on Orientation

Link: The Sexuality Spectrum Test written by tall_man_54 on Ok Cupid

Yeah I knew it all along.

--Gay Jam

James McDonald, Lazy Psycho

Allo.

So I'm still awake at almost 3am. I've tried to go to sleep twice with no luck. I keep thinking about everything and it's so annoying. I'm in between screaming aloud, breaking into hysterics, or completely breaking down.

First off, I hate retail. I recently got a job at The Bay and I dislike it already. I like the people, which is a plus, but I hate plugging that damn HBC, I hate how boring it is, and I hate that tomorrow I'm going to have to walk to work because the buses don't run in Thorold; that means an hour to work and an hour from work.. for a four hour shift.

Branching off from retail is my concern for my future. The stupid school taking it's f*cking time with deciding whether or not I can stay is driving me mad. I need to know soon or my head will roll of my neck and dent the floor. But then again, what happens if I can't get back in? Then do I have to work in retail for a year? I mean I'll have to work somewhere because I need to pay for stuff. However, I really doubt I could work in retail for an entire year. All these plugs and working for something that really seems pointless.. it makes me want to vom. The entire situation.

On top of all this, I have a trip to Barbados that I planned earlier this year for December with my friend Loretta. I'm very much looking forward to it, but it's for three weeks in December, so if I can't go back to school, I'll have to cancel, because a full-time job isn't going to allow me to take three weeks off at Xmas, especially if it's in retail. BUT the stress about this is not only how am I going to get the $900 to go, but if I need to cancel, they didn't get cancellation insurance! Who in their right mind doesn't get cancellation insurance? LIKE OMFG! So, if I can't go and need to cancel, I still need to pay half of my ticket ($400 or so). Aaargh.

Just my entire future just seems like a big steaming pile of cow dung. What the hell am I going to do?

If I get back into school, I will work so hard and everything, more or less, will be fine. I can work at The Bay until mid-autumn to save up some money and then quit, so I'll be able to go to Barbados, but also focus on my studies and I'll be working towards a goal.

If I don't get back into school, I have no freaking clue what the hell I'm going to do. I don't know what kind of job to get, I don't know if I should attempt to live in Thorold or if I should move in with Leanne, I don't know if I should buy a vehicle so I can be more organized or will that cost too much, I don't know what I can and can't afford, I don't know how my family will react to me flunking out, I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I just want this all to go away. I want to warp back three years and work hard and make this all better. I want my life, as it is right now, to be different. Very different. I want to know where I'm going and be doing things I enjoy and be in control. I hate this lack of control that's taken over in every aspect of my life.

Anyways, I'm ranting on. If you're wondering what happened to happy-go-lucky, funny-ass Jam, he'll be back tomorrow I'd imagine. I'm allowed a whine now and then.

--Frazzle Jam

James McDonald, Writer

Howdy, you cheese eating surrender monkeys!

So as many of you know, I've went through dating hell over the past, hmm, lifetime. I bitch and complain about men over and over and groan when I see happy couples. I've finally realized what good is going to come from this:

I'm going to write a book.

It's going to be about the turmoils I've been through on dates, the philosophical aspects of it (a lot of "why"'s), my past boyfriends, etc.

Now if one of my friends told me they were going to attempt writing a book, I'd probably tell most of them that they were crazy. You need a certain style and ability to write a full-fledged book; I think I have that. I've been writing this crazy blog for over a year, and have developed a "fan-base", as I like to call it, and I think the majority of people who read Jam's Blog enjoy my style of writing.

Anywho, I'm looking forward to starting it. I'm going to try my best to follow through with it because I think it would be enjoyable to write, as well as entertaining to read (you know you want to know the nitty-gritty of my dating life).

So yay!

--Jam

The Curse of the Hangover

Mornin.

So I called in sick today lol. I'm actually just very hungover, but let's not tell my work that. I feel so bad, but I mean I'm really too sick to get to work and to do anything productive at work.

I think I'm actually going to stop drinking so much. I mean I don't drink much as it is, and I had fun last night being drunk, but the aftermath is making it less and less worth it each time. So I think I'm only going to get drunk when I...

1. Don't have to do anything the next day.
2. Feel 110%
3. I'm going and I know I'll have fun (with lots of people, etc.).

Radical.

On the plus side, last night I went with the intention of flirting with one guy, and completely lost interest in him and flirted with another, who also flirted back I might add. I gave him my msn, and hoped he'd add me, but then I realized when I got home in my drunken stupor, that I gave him a receipt from my pocket instead lol. Way-to-go team! So I emailed his friend to make sure he gets it, cause he's too cute and fun to pass up.

Anywho, vom.

And sleep.

--Jam

HTML Help

Kay, asking for a li'l assistance here.

I'm trying to change the colours of the sidebar titles to a variety of colours. In Internet Explorer it seems to be working, but in all others, it's not. I'm not sure what to do to fix it. I'm using the "font color" command, but I've also tried the "span style" command, with no luck. Any ideas?

Oh, and comment if there is more colour than normal in the sidebar for you (the titles should be various colours). Thanks!

--Frustrated Jam

Homophobia: Is there a better waste of time?

Mornin people! I have a special surprise for you.

The return of the rant.

Thanks to a random comment by a "Mr. Big" on my blog this morning, I had the urge to rant.

Caution! Upcoming rant on: Homophobia.

So a person by the name of "Mr. Big" commented on my blog this morning on my Top 100 Songs post. It was basically him stating "Your list is gay, faggot", only I think less grammatically correct.

Anywho, obviously I just deleted it, but after giving it more thought, I realized how sad this person is. He's a random guy who does not know me (to my knowledge), and he goes on another person's blog and assaults them for no reason? He took the time to read my list and then comment on how bad it was, rather than moving on and spending his time more wisely.

Why would he do that? Do people really hate us damn queers so much that they'll go out of their way to offend them?

On this topic, this guy Travis I talk to had a pic in his MSN recently of a man with a huge sign that said something to the likes of "God hates gay people". I thought it was hilarious because it was so random. He told me he took the picture at London Pride. So that means someone went to the gay pride parade, which he did not want to be at because he obviously doesn't support anything homosexual, and stood there with a sign in the heat just so that people could make fun of him.

Now boys and girls, what is wrong with this scenario?

This also reminds me of the time before the gay marriage law passed in Canada. There were tons of Christian protesters who were going out of their way to distribute flyers, make special speeches and talks, and make sure that all those without an opinion had one: theirs. But why? Gay marriage doesn't affect them in any way but that they may have to see two men together someday. Heaven forbid! That's almost as bad as if a woman goes out with her friend shopping! They might be thought of as a lesbian couple because they're together! Run for the hills! Save the children!

The bottom line is homophobia is as ridiculous and unfounded as racism or any other prejudice. Human beings are human beings, and we need to start treating each other with respect. There will come a time when we will need one another, and if we have differences that we, for some reason, can't get over, we won't have one another to rely on.

To all the straight people out there who "support" gay rights, give yourself a pat on the back. Your opinions and backing are the most important, as the knowledge and tolerance you teach your children will change the way the world works, as we know it today.

To all of the homophobes out there, the gays are here to stay. They've won the battle here in Canada and they're here to get married, have children, and live a normal life. They are not here to bomb your house, steal your children, and attack the Pope (I know, I know. It's surprising).

Finally, to Mr. Big, who kindly commented a not-so-kind comment on my blog, look what happens when you show your homophobia. Something much more gay comes out of it, and I couldn't be more proud.

--Jam

Boy oh Boy

Hullo!

So I'm catching a cold. I can feel it in my throat and sinuses and it's gonna hit tomorrow. If it passes, I'll be a lucky boy and I'll buy an ice cream to celebrate (I'll deserve it, for some reason).

So I'm already sick of being single lol. I know I said I wasn't gonna care, but it's just so very annoying! I talk to couples, I associate with couples, it just happens. My brain asks me "Well, why don't you have one of those?", and I can't answer it. What's the answer? Is there an answer? Should there be an answer?

I've been talking to this guy in Cambridge, and I mean he's really great. Downside: he lives over an hour away. I started talking to a guy in Hamilton. Downside: he lives just under an hour away. There's a guy I kinda like in town. Downside: fresh out of a relationship; I'd be a rebound.

I just wanna meet a guy similar to me who is normal and all the rest, but it never seems to happen.

Actually, now that I think of it, a lot of the couples I know (not all), I don't envy on a level more than just that they have one another. Some couples I really don't get.

Anyways, I played tennis today with a new guy (sorta kinda), and it was SO much fun. He was way too hot and I was way too out of practice, so I lost by, say, a million. But it was still super fun times.

Moral of the story: dating is dumb. I'm going to become a monk. A big gay monk.

--Big Gay Monk Jam

The World, From Above

Evenin', you lovable thang, you.

So a short li'l post before bed. Had a rather uneventful day. Woke up late, played some DDR, watched Road Trip with Seann William Scott (good god, no one should be that hot), went to Rob's for some birthday cheesecake, came home, talked to a cute boy, and that's about it.

I was thinking today, in the midst of my busy schedule, of how different I've been thinking recently. I mean a few months ago I was much more down about things, due to the circumstances. But now, I was just looking in the mirror today (damn narcissism), and I realized that oh my god, I'm a freaking amazing person. I mean I knew that already (damn narcissism), but just as a person. I dunno, this all sounded better in my head.

Talked to hot boy on the phone today again. He was telling me he DJ'd last night and actually played "Atlantis", the track I made and make everyone listen to! How crazy is that!? He said it went over well, so hey, I'm not complaining! A brush with fame is better than no brush at all.

Chatted to a new guy tonight who seems really nice. He's hot too, but since I've named the other boy "hot boy", we'll call this one "tall boy", since he's one inch taller than hot boy. These guys, at 6'2 and 6'3, must be able to see things I couldn't even imagine. I wonder if the air is thinner up there? Do birds land on them? Do they need blinking lights to warn planes?

...so many questions, so little time.

--Jam, from below

Listen to: At The End by Iio. They did Rapture as well, which was a killer track. At The End is just as good. They kick super music butt!

Watch: Road Trip. Seann William Scott orgas.. I mean.. smiles in it. What more do you need?

PS - I MISS HEIDI! *cries* About a month left.. I can do it. I can do it.

The Rain, The Dark, & Noah's Ark

Well howdy! Funny meetin' you here! Boy howdy!

...yeah, so onto the bloggorama.

The Rain
Athena and I decided to go to the mall yesterday. She had to hand in a resume at the glamorous Post Office, and I had to get some pants hemmed. Ya know, the standard mall trip.We were waiting for the bus and it was so hot that birds were falling from the sky and cars were melting. We both saw huge clouds coming our way, and both commented on the fact that we should go get our umbrellas, but chose to watch an overweight girl jog and nearly break her hip instead (it was grand fun). So we eventually boarded the bus and had a carefree trip to the mall. Meanwhile, the evil clouds from hell snuck closer and closer to the mall, waiting to attack!

..*ahem* So on Glendale (near the mall), it starts to pour. Now, I'm not talking a lot of raindrops, I'm talking waves of rain from the sky. We ran from the bus to the mall, only to arrive soaked, dripping, and looking like crazy pool hoppers. We immediately headed for Zellers to buy a towel.

The Dark
Once we got into the lower level of Zellers, once we've found the towels and are happy as pigs in.. umm.. jello.. the power goes out. We're in the basement of a store and the power goes out. ... How cool is that? lol! It was so creepy, but so crazy cool. We couldn't buy our towel, but it was still creepy and fun, and in hindsight, I should have stolen something. *shrug*

Noah's Ark
Then, since the streets were flooded, we took Noah's Ark home.

Tee hee, just kidding, you gullible fool, you!

What else is new? Hrmm.. talking to a new boy. He's like an hour away, which is extremely annoying, but he's so hot and nice that I keep talking to him. :)

Oops. He reads this, so we must keep it on the down low. Hush puppies!

He sent me the new Paris Hilton song (lol I know I know). It's actually REALLY catchy and very fun. Reminds me a lot of Geri Halliwell, who we all know and love. *shakes fist* You damn-well better love her!

Well I guess that about sums it up. Stuff is boring lately, so I need some new interesting stuff. Got stuff?

--Jam, without the extra stuff.

The Clean Around

Afternooooonies!

First off, The Bay is a great place! I think I'm really going to enjoy working there. The people seem so great, and the managers are NOT on power trips! Can you believe it? I have never worked in a place where the superiors didn't feel it necessary to act strongly like superiors. It will be a nice change, and it's an excuse to buy fancy shmancy clothes.

Second, I'm gonna clean house today. It's all just so gross. A certain new roommate left a gross mophead thing in the kitchen (for some reason), therefore causing a grouping of earwigs, and therefore causing me to vom excessively. From that moment, I decided to clean the house top to bottom. I'm not talking "clean" like some people do, I'm talkin clean that mofo!

I was invited to a friend's going away party this weekend, but I don't think I can make it :( no vehicle = sad Jam. Ah well!

Well this Jam is gonna jump in the shower before he becomes smelly Jam.

--Not-so-smelly Jam, as of yet

PS - I love how people are commenting again! Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside! Oh, wait, that's just indigestion.

The Turn Around

Well boys and girls, I'm back from the cottage and things are lookin' up.

First of all, I got a job! I'm now an official employee of The Bay Pen Centre!

Yaaay! I mean The Bay wouldn't be my first pick for a place to work, but it's definitely not my last. They probably pay very well, it's a professional place to work, and it's close to home. Booyah! Booyah, indeed. I have orientation tomorrow at 4:30pm and I'm so excited, I could vom everywhere!

Next, my loan statement has finally been faxed in, so I can get going on my appeal to that damn suspension crap. Oop, that reminds me I have to call the school today. Thanks for reminding me, Mr. Blog!

"Why, you're welcome Jammy."

"I dunno, Daaaaavey."

Hahaha, I'm such a big lame!

Dan is kind of going back to normal. He apologized for all that crap, and has his own stuff he has to deal with, which I can understand. I mean I still am kinda annoyed with him for what he did, but I move past it. I still miss him a lot, so we'll see what happens. I may be second chance Jam, if it comes to that. *shrug*

And lastly, I have a bunch of new songs that you must listen to. By must, I mean you have to or else I'll throw your plants out the window along with all your kleenex! Mwaaaaa ha ha ha ha!

*ahem* So the songs are:

These Words by Natasha Bedingfield
Breathe by Anna Nalik
Chariot by Gavin Degraw
American Baby by Dave Matthews Band
Old Skool Love by Divine Brown

Baaaaa ah ah ah ah ah ah.. CHOO!

..tee hee. So yeah, Jam is lookin' up! The world is my big, non-fish-filled oyster!

--Seafood Jam

Weekend Away

Mornin peeps.

So I'm on a Mac! I'm at Steve and Kevin's place, been up for hours and hours (bad hangover), and we have a li'l bit of time before we go see War of the Worlds. *gets excited* Then I'm off to Haliburton to spend some time away from it all at Leanne's parents' cottage.

Not too much else to report. Hottubbing is still as fun as it ever was, Steve and Kevin have a very nice place, and I have a sneaking suspicion I got the job at The Bay (booooo yah).

Ohh my, I'm tired. Let's hope I don't fall asleep in da movie. See ya'll when I get back on Tuesday.

--Weekend Jammy Pie

Listen to: Bad Day by... crap. I don't remember who. Leanne? Li'l help?

Boycott: Eminem. His new song is called Ass Like That and is actually more annoying and lacking more integrity than any of his previous work. I didn't think that was possible either, but watch the music video and see for yourself.

Mr. Right

So enough of that.

I slept on it, and I'm better now. I'm still angry, but I'm better. I realized that life is too short for me to obsess over this. He broke up with me, it sucks, I move on.

I've also decided (somehow) that I'm not going to search for Mr. Right, I'm going to be Mr. Right, and someone can come search for me. I'm going to become more fit and more confident (if that's possible) and I'm getting through this b-s. You heard me, B-S!

This wkend I'm going hottubbing with Steve, and then up to the cottage with Leanne for a couple days! It'll be so nice to get away and see friends and all the rest.

Take that, world.

--Jam

Listen to: Love (Trippin') by Gabrielle
It's hard to find, so msg me on msn and I'll send it to you. It's supa coo.

Stupid

Evenin'.

So tonight Craig, Cody, and I went to Toronto to pick up a friend's vehicle from an impound lot (random, I'm aware). I just got back and my mind won't stop bothering me, so I write here.

I'm still in a crap-ass mood. Can't stop thinking about Dan and his stupid stupidness. Most recent news: his ex was talking to me on gay.com for some reason. Dan hadn't told him that we broke up, which is strange, and he was asking me all these weird questions. I'm gonna try to find him on there tomorrow and get some info, because I'm very annoyed. Other news is he blocked me, but didn't delete me (I use msngeeks.com). I'm not sure why he would block me (maybe to avoid having to talk to me while the breakup was "fresh), but it pisses me off to no end and I'm so frustrated with him and dating in general.

This is how it seems to go with me. There are three scenarios I get into:

1. I meet a guy who seems nice, but later turns out to be psycho. Dump him fast.
2. I meet a guy who seems nice and is, but I'm not compatible with in the end. End it fast too.
3. I meet a guy who I really like, but who treats me like dirt. He dumps me.

There can be variations, but those are basic guidelines. Dan obviously is fitting into category three, class.

I'm sick of dating. I'm sick of the fact that I "need" a man to feel complete. What moron came up with the social construct that we need a partner? I wish I could say I'm completely satisfied as a single man, but for some stupid reason, I can't. So I get extremely happy when I finally meet a guy who is interested in me and in the relationship and who is not a psycho. Scratch that, they're all psychos.

I wanna go find him and work it out, or find him and scream at him, or find him and kick him in the shins, but I don't wanna be the crazy one, even though I already feel like it.

Men are stupid. Relationships are stupid. I'm stupid for needing them.

--Stupid Jam

Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3

Mornin', ya'll.

So this summer has been the worst summer of my life. I mean I love (to an extent) living in Thorold, I love that I'm away from my parents, and I love having a caring boyfriend, but things have been doing shittily for a while now and I'm so pissed off at the most recent crap that I had to complain about it. Garr..

Testing 1
Dan dumped me. He's such a psychopath because he led me to believe that everything was fine.. no, better than fine, things were great. He went away on a three week vacation so I hardly talked to him, but he did send me two postcards, which both said "miss you", and talked to me online saying he missed me. Then he comes home and asks me to come visit me, so he does on Monday. He comes over and is very tired and grouchy, but I look past it because hey, he just got back from a trip and I really like the guy. Then I don't hear from him for an entire week, and he sends me an EMAIL on Sunday saying he doesn't really want a relationship and he's not sure if he likes long distance relationships, bla bla bla.

So I get this email while I'm at Leanne's house and I'm heated, like I wanted to scream at him. Who on Earth leads another person on like that and then breaks up with them, without an explanation no less, through an email? Didn't he see that episode of Sex and the City where main girl gets broken up with on a post-it? This is the same awful freaking thing! He had even invited me camping this past weekend, but because his friends made it a non-couples weekend, I was "uninvited" (I didn't wanna go that badly anyways).

So I wanna know what the hell happened. I don't care that he wants to break up with me so much as I care what the real reason is or what made him "discover" that he didn't want to be in a relationship. *screams*

Testing 2
The school appeal has still flopped and I have a feeling is going to flop altogether. I have to find my loan agreement to appeal it. I went home to Brantford to get it and my mom "doesn't remember seeing it". Thanks mom. I'm positive I gave it to her for safe-keeping, but ya know, what do I know? So I'm going to search my closet when I get home today and I had better find it. Otherwise I'll have to go to my grandfather and tell him everything that's been going on and that I need his copy of the loan agreement. I think I'd rather be crushed by an elephant.

Once the appeal fails, I'm going to move in with Leanne I'd imagine. I'd redecorate her basement into a little apartment; I think it would be really nice. It would take some time to get used to living in Hamilton, but I don't really have another option. I'd love to stay in Summers Castle, but I doubt I could find a full-time job from Thorold. I feel nautious thinking about leaving some of the people in that house, but I guess what has to be done has to be done.

Testing 3
I still cannot find a job. I'm so lucky to have a distant father who is forced to pay child support. *sigh* It's like a fairy tale! Anyways, that worries me because if I can't find a job just for the summer, how the hell am I going to find a full-time job in Hamilton? It just seems so impossible. But, again, it has to be done.

'~*~'

I was talking to... someone... last night (my memory left me.. I'll be in Memento 2), and we were saying how this all will make me stronger (it was Stephanie lol my memory came back!). I think that's obviously true, but I'm plenty strong as it is. Why is God or Buddha or whoever messing with me? This has all been so trying and literally exhausting and a normal person would have given up on life by now. Someone asked me a while ago when the appeal thing started if I was suicidal LOL! I kinda said "No... are you?" lol.. because I've never ever thought about giving up. I'm far too scared of death and scared of never seeing the things I love ever again: the sunlight hitting moving leaves, roller coasters, a cat's meow (I understand you can't see a can't meow, but you get the point).

So to the employers who didn't hire me, to the school who wants me gone, and to the man who broke my heart (by EMAIL for f*ck's sake), I'll prove to you all that I can do this. I'm still destined for greatness, it's now just a little delayed.

--Jam the Great

Happy Birthday, Canada

O Canada... you know the rest.

Go hug a beaver or a loon or an Anne Murray. Preferably one of the first two. I've heard Anne has rabies.

--Jam